Why it's important to stretch and improve your emotional flexibility: Jennifer Moss

Let's be honest: So far, 2020 has seen a long list of disappointments and it's weighing on us.

It feels like it's a daily effort to try and make things suck a little bit less each day for ourselves and for others. But as the disappointments wear on, our coping skills have begun to wear out. 

For some, it's meant birthdays in lockdown, Thanksgiving away from family, some people have had to cancel their vacations, even their weddings. Healthcare workers on the frontline had to help their patients through disappointment when a therapeutic wasn't helping. Some couldn't attend funerals of their loved ones.

It isn't easy. We've definitely run the gamut of disappointments this year and as a coping mechanism we're normalizing them. 

The thing is, people who are chronically disappointed are at greater risk of physical or mental health problems. They appear to have a greater frequency of headaches and gastrointestinal issues. Resilience — the ability to bounce back from extreme stress — is one thing, but becoming numb to our feelings can negatively impact our well-being. 

Facing it head on

Although it makes sense to cope by pushing these disappointing feelings aside, we may just be building them up in a reserve for later, which will result in a tsunami of emotions. The risk here is that we may be assessing these disappointing events as acute — one-offs that are only a 2020 thing.

But we just don't really know how all of this will pan out. Of course, it is necessary to maintain optimism and hope, and I feel confident this too shall pass. However, we still have a way to go before life is back to "normal". If we put all our emotional eggs into one basket, it will be harder to recover from an even greater level of disappointment. 

According to clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr. Mary Lamia, "people twist their thinking every which way to not recognize true disappointment because disappointment accepts reality."

But evidence has found that the more we embrace reality and move on, the better our long-term coping strategies. It serves us better for handling future stress.

We already know we've been able to get over something and how long it took, so we have a point of reference on which to base our emotions. Research has found that this template for dealing with a problem — even if it takes more time than we would have liked — provides some kind of assurance that there is an end in sight.

Being emotionally flexible

The best way to deal with disappointment, both generally and especially during a crisis, is to develop what researchers refer to as "emotional flexibility."

Essentially, emotional flexibility (or adaptability) is the capacity to adjust our reactions to the environment at hand. Our life is constantly shifting and changing, and it can sometimes feel challenging to be flexible in the face of change and yet emotional flexibility is consistently associated with positive psychological health.

People with high levels of emotional flexibility:

• Cope with dynamic and changing work.
• Admit mistakes and move on.
• Are open to others' ideas.
• Easily learn new things.
• Anticipate and manage change.

People with low emotional flexibility:

• May be rigid in thinking or behaviour.
• Have trouble adapting to change.
• May be slow to act.
• Cannot admit when wrong.

How to develop emotional flexibility

Start first with some self-assessment. Ask yourself:

• Where in my life do I exercise high flexibility? Example: I'm always open to trying new foods or exploring new places.
• Where in my life do I exercise low flexibility? Example: I feel stressed if I don't sit in the same spot every night at dinner or in the same spot on the couch watching TV.
• What do people say about your high or low flexibility? Example: Do you hear that people appreciate how you "go with the flow," or do they call you Monica from Friends whenever they play a board game with you? Would they rather have you choose the restaurant than worrying their choice will disappoint you? 

Now, for three days, use an entirely different approach to all the above and see how it feels. Keep a diary and jot down impressions and observations at how you relate to others. Try sitting in a different part of the room. Try a new food. Do a regular routine backwards like brush your teeth first then shower. Sleep on the other side of the bed for a night. Then review. How did it feel? Did it get easier to adjust or was it three days of hell?

If it proved to be impossible. Try practicing the following for two weeks and then reassess: 

• Maintain mental flexibility when others are expressing their ideas.
• Think of different ways to handle the situation, problem or challenge.
• Change something in your daily routine frequently so that you have the experience of new routines and new perspectives — maybe it's a new way to get to work or if you're working virtually try a new pattern when starting your day.
• Drive or walk a different route to mix it up.

Kids are resilient, but still impacted

This has been a hard year for kids. Adults understand the broad reasons for the sacrifices required to stop this pandemic from worsening, and we're exhausted.

Kids get it and are doing their part — but they are bearing much of the brunt. Especially when it comes to birthdays and Halloween and just the everyday stuff that makes life fun. When I told my seven-year-old we weren't trick-or-treating this year, she cried. She proceeded to ask me if Christmas would be cancelled, too. That broke my heart. 

Yes, kids are resilient, but they are not unaffected by this year and for many, there will be emotional scars. I try to remember how I felt when I was disappointed as a child. Kids only have short windows of reference to draw from, so everything seems so big and so sad and totally myopic.

We want to remember how big those emotions were and reassure their validity — never diminish it. 

We are learning to be emotionally flexible every day now, thanks to the pandemic. We can reinforce the wisdom we're gaining by acknowledging when it's happening.

Try to keep notice when you're making the best of it. Think about some aspects of this new way of celebrating that might make it into the annual tradition now. Remember that we can still engage the fun of these holidays without cancelling them altogether.

It isn't a black and white option. Life is all about shades of grey. 

If we keep taking these negative experiences and turning at least some part of it into a positive, we may stop seeing change as disappointment.

My new mantra for 2020: make each day suck a little less than it needs to because we need small wins.