The kids will be alright as they return to school, but parents can help ease concerns: Jennifer Moss

The decision whether to send children back to school has been a tough one.

As a parent of three, I was back and forth on this decision for months. It may be one of the hardest decisions I've made for my children so far as a parent. But, as an expert in wellbeing and co-parenting with someone who has the same background, we had to weigh out the pros and cons. 

On one hand, parents are feeling conflicted because there are so many unknowns and legitimate concerns about the impact not just on our children, but on the community at large. But on the other hand, family burnout is a major concern.

A survey by Human Resources Director, a trade magazine, showed the biggest stressors facing working parents was no separation between work and life. In May, while parents were juggling homeschooling and work, a Harris Poll showed that nearly half of parents with children under 18 in the household were living with high stress every single day. That is unsustainable. 

For the last six months, we've faced many stressors. Financial stress caused a significant toll. For a good portion of our community, having their kids in school is how they can be at work. Although working from home was still challenging, it was also a privilege in many instances. Plenty of people didn't get that choice.

And yet, for anyone working at home, the workload was often overwhelming.

According to an analysis of server activity on its network, NordVPN found that the average working day has increased by more than two hours in Canada.

Some studies show that employees were working 30 per cent more hours to reach the same pre-COVID goals and a McKinsey study showed women were disproportionately affected — not only did we lose women from the workforce entirely, but another research study from Washington University found that women are being forced to reduce hours to juggle family responsibilities and subsequently the gender gap in work hours has grown by 20 to 50 per cent.

Personally, I found homeschooling challenging while writing a book. Even more frustrating was trying to do a job that I wasn't well trained for (and not that good at) and the stakeholders were people I really wanted to see succeed. I was happy to give that job back to those more skilled. 

Benefits of in-person learning 

It's important to note that homeschooling and virtual learning has evolved significantly in the last decade and this trial-by-fire moment in standard education has helped propel the industry forward much faster.

There are many kids flourishing with homeschooling. Some kids need more one-on-one attention or have special needs that makes homeschooling more practical. There are others who have unique schedules, like actors and performers, who need to have more flexibility in their schedules so homeschooling makes sense for them. And, for some kids, it's just more conducive to their personality. 

But for the majority of students, in-person or a least a hybrid version, works best. Face-to-face interactions for students improves their interpersonal skills which helps them to navigate relationships both personally and professionally including healthy conflict management, co-operation and negotiation. 

Because there are live discussions with other students and teachers who come from various backgrounds, it forces students to use their critical thinking skills by quickly formulating opinions or arguments. 

Perhaps most importantly, it teaches young people emotional intelligence skills like how to be empathetic and resilient, something that is so important and pretty much required during times like these. 

Battling back-to-school worries for kids

We've been coaching our kids to take it one day at a time. We remind them regularly that if any day they (or we) don't feel like they're safe, then we can always reassess.

You want your child to feel agency — the ability to have some choice in this experience — because it will help them cope with the uncertainties by feeling like they have some level of control.

According to Anxiety Canada, here are some other ways we can help our children deal with back-to-school worries:

• Look after the basics. Make sure that routines are set and followed. Nobody copes well when they are tired or hungry. Anxious children often forget to eat, don't feel hungry and don't get enough sleep. Keeping morning and bedtime habits, as well as eating schedules, will be even more important right now.
• Encourage your child to share how they feel and label their feelings. Let them know it's perfectly normal to have concerns. One-on-one time with younger children helps to talk it out. Teens often welcome some sort of distraction to cut the intensity of their worries and feelings. Suggest going for a walk instead. The talk will hopefully follow. 
• Avoid giving reassurance. Instead, problem solve and create plans. I've mentioned in my other columns that generating and following plans builds hope. Children often seek reassurance that bad things won't happen in order to reduce their worry. Try not to use phrases like, "don't worry" or "everything will be fine." Since children are constantly mirroring us and modelling our behaviour, they become mini-lie detectors and know when we're just giving them a line. Instead, encourage your child to think of ways to solve his or her problem. For example, if this happens, here is my plan A and then my plan B. 

We are all feeling uncertain and out of control these days. It seems like every decision is fraught with so many "what ifs." 

In the end, I am confident that whatever happens, we'll get through it — we already have been for months. But for now, try to stay in the moment. Try to appreciate the space, the quiet, or the ability to get to work without worrying about how you'll get your kids cared for today.

Most importantly, try to feel comforted by the simple fact that being back in school — despite all the other factors — is a small slice of normalcy given back to us. Feel good that our kids are getting to be kids again, seeing their friends and reconnecting. As always, they will adjust and so will we.