How to get revenge on your haters by receiving mail in front of them

When you are recklessly successful and cool, it's easy to attract a lot of haters. They hate on the choices you make, the clothes you wear – hell, they even hate on your obsession with haters. You've probably been encouraged to just ignore them with refrains like "Haters gonna hate," but there's one sure-fire way to haunt a hater for life: opening mail in front of them.

Think about it. Who even gets mail these days? Important people and rich people, exclusively. If your hater were either of those things, they wouldn't have the time to meddle on your life with their negativity. This guide will help you identify the many types of haters, and arrange to receive the kind of mail in front of them that is GUARANTEED to make them feel awful.

A lot of your biggest haters are your friends and family who constantly make passive-aggressive statements like, "Wow, that's a lot of empty pizza boxes in your recycling bin – did you have a good New Year's Eve?" To make them squirm with regret, wait to get a few important-looking letters, invite them over for tea, and loudly open those missives! When the haters launch into conversation, scan your eyes over your letters and respond with, "mm-hmm," or "That's nice." Your haters will know not to truck with you anymore.

Maybe your hater is your next-door neighbour. Maybe she is hating on you by having children and smoking in your shared front entryway. Since you're pretty familiar with her schedule, it'll be DISGUSTINGLY easy to plant a parcel in your own mailbox. When your hater neighbour arrives home from her thankless job, exclaim under your breath, "Oh, a care package from London!" sending an unbearable stab of jealousy right through 62B.

Sometimes your hater is your boss. Receiving an Edible Arrangement right to your desk – even if your desk is an operating table – is gonna put that well-paid hater in their place.

Remember, just because someone is a baby, child, or teen doesn't mean they can't be a mega-hater. It's trickier to get that parcel revenge on haters who are young, but not impossible:

Age 0-3: You're dealing with a hater baby if it cries or spits up anywhere within five meters of you, or doesn't say your full name as its first words. To make the hater baby jealous of you for life, bring its parents a small housewarming gift in an enormous box. As soon as the hater baby starts crawling toward the box, tell its parents you were actually hoping to reuse the box, and could they please keep the baby away? B-A-M! The hater baby will DESPISE having to learn boundaries and restrictions, and won't that feel satisfying?

Age 4-12: Perhaps the hater is a child. For example, an ungrateful nephew who pointed out how squishy and weak your tricep is, batting at it and saying, "Ha ha. So wiggly." What to do? Find out what toys and gadgets they're into, say a drone or something, and order it online. Tell the hater kid's parents you're having the item shipped to their house because you don't have a mailbox. Make sure to pick it up around 3pm – by that time the youthful hater should be back from school. Slowly open the package in front of the hater, "just to make sure the item arrived undamaged." Then look the hater in the eyes and say "This is gonna make some kid I know pretty happy. Anyway, bye!" Leave immediately, package in hand.

Age 13-17: This is the easiest of the young haters to receive mail in front of. They're hating on you simply by having their whole lives ahead of them and being able to sit down without their knees hurting. Mail revenge is a snap in this case. Simply unbox the latest iteration of the iPhone in front of the hater teen and casually mention how you can afford so many of these devices with your grownup job. Although you won't get the satisfaction of seeing their jealousy, you'll know it's roiling inside their hate-filled soul, alongside all the other turmoil.

Well, there you have it! Thanks to Canada Post, UPS, and your drive to succeed, revenge is as easy as a well-timed parcel delivery!

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.