4 perfectly legal ways to take revenge against people giving out raisins on Halloween

Halloween is nearly upon us – a holiday that comes with all of the candy and chocolate but none of the grandmas and other bullshit.

I hope you are excited, little leaders of tomorrow. For this day belongs to you more than anyone else. And, while you will have your fun and make off with days or weeks (depending the quality of your parents) worth of candy, there will be those who seek to stifle your bliss.

The health freaks. You know them. You've seen them jogging about. They do not understand the purpose of this day, but they will take part in it all the same.

"A healthy snack on Halloween never hurts!" they'll say, not realizing that this the equivalent of saying, "A pack of Post-It notes on Halloween never hurts!" Then they'll laugh, cavalier, as the raisins fall in slow motion into your pillowcase, like so many bugs in your soup.

Your parents will teach you it's good to be the bigger person, but the reality is you are the smaller person and still able to get away with petty nonsense. So, do exactly that. Here are 4 perfectly legal ways to exact your revenge on these prune-pushers:

1. When Christmas rolls around, return to their house and give them some "artisanal" raisins that are really just Glossettes you sucked dry

This one is great on a lot of levels. First, you get to enjoy the chocolate from the Glossettes, helping to offset the chocolate you missed out on earlier. Second, hey, these raisins were in your mouth and that is pretty funny. Third, if they decide they really enjoy this particular brand of raisin, they will not be able to find it in stores anywhere.

2. Thank them and eat the raisins in front of them. When they go back inside, puke on their porch

"These are my favourite! I can't wait! I'm gonna have them now!" you say. They'll feel great and head back inside. Now, it's spew time. Have a quick ralph and then knock on their door again. Apologize and say you think the raisins made you sick. It looks like their fault, you can't get in trouble, and they might hesitate to give out any more raisins. For bonus points, try to get some of the puke in a potted plant.

3. Use the raisins to learn how to juggle and then busk in front of their home

A child juggling raisins? What an attraction that will be! People will come from miles around! The hoopla in front of their house will drive them mad, plus you might get famous? Just make sure you are not directly on their property and that you obtain a busking license (you'll make that cash back in no time).

4. Come back with friends and hold a memorial for the death of fun

I know you probably hate busting out the dress clothes, but this will be worth it. Get a wreath of flowers too, if you have paper route money to toss around. You and your friends show up all in black and gather around the wreath. When they ask what you are doing, tell them that fun died here on Halloween night you have come to pay your respects.

Then, I don't know, throw the raisins on their lawn. It's called composting. They still can't touch you.

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