Move over, sexting – sexy faxes are where it's at

Hey, u up? Or are you fast asleep because sexy texting is brutally uninspiring? Take a look around, SOCIETY: sexting is for illiterate teens, not sophisticated adults. Any time we're forced to accept a purple nightshade vegetable as a stand-in for a human penis it's not ideal, is it? We can do better. Thanks, "sexting", it's been fine, but it's time to move forward. And how do we move forward? By moving back.

Before we all eagerly formed a human pyramid atop a sleek, brushed-chrome Segway and rolled into the 2000s, we had a perfectly good way of sending messages to each other: the glorious, glorious fax machine. But before we could explore its full erotic potential, it was cruelly discarded, tossed into the margins of relevance and replaced with poop emojis and autocorrect. Here are the reasons why it's time to give sexy faxing – or "saxting" – the attention it so obviously deserves.

1. You have to wait for it

A text is immediate. And sure, that's exciting.

But in this world of endless instant gratification, there's something about the slow-burning, gradual emergence of a fax that's incredibly sensual. Revealing the body of its message juuuust a little bit at a time, the fax is the striptease of communication technology.

2. It restricts your interactions to VERY COOL PEOPLE ONLY

Everyone has a phone in 2017, but only extremely cool people have a fax machine – these are the same slicksters who also own the board game "Operation" and a sweet vinyl player.

Don't waste your time sexting with some idiot only to find out he doesn't know what an apostrophe is, or he listens to Maroon However Many.

3. The typical locations of fax machines naturally afford you privacy for reading your steamy messages

These days, fax machines aren't exactly just sitting around on every accessible surface, all devil-may-care. Nope, you have to venture into that weird supply closet at work, or your parents' third sub-basement, or your uncle's crawlspace in order to find them.

But that's exactly where you'd want to be when receiving a VERY HOT incoming saxt.

4. You can really express yourself

Why limit yourself to cartoon hearts, the Arial font, and awkward selfies? Sexy faxing lets you be maximally creative.

Write your tender lover a Petrarchan sonnet in ornate cursive! Draw a charcoal sketch of a weird boat! Dip your hand in gravy and send him or her a print!

5. You get some cool warehouse jewelry ads built into the deal

Who among us hasn't interrupted real-life sexy time to peruse some great deals on solid gold watches, now available for a limited time at Walter's #1 Gold-Porium on Orfus Road??

This is yet ANOTHER reason why sexy faxing is way more true to life.

Enjoy.

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