I want my kids to be fearless. As they clash with my culture, I guess I'm getting what I wanted

This piece originally published on July 13, 2023.

This First Person piece is by Olabisi Adesina who is a Nigerian business professional living in Regina.  For more information about CBC's Opinion section, please see the FAQ.

The other day I came down the stairs and saw my 12-year-old daughter playing a game with her 18-year-old brother, who is in college, and his friend. They were talking back and forth, communicating almost as equals.

As I watched them, it hit me how much of a cultural shift has occurred in our lives.

Back home, there was no way a 12-year-old would sit with 18-year-olds, calling them by their first names and conversing on an even playing field. I was raised to call older people, even siblings, "aunty" and "uncle" as a sign of respect. My own siblings call me "aunty Bisi" to this day.

This tradition means absolutely nothing to my kids.

Immigrating to Canada and becoming a Canadian citizen has brought me euphoria, but has also led to some cultural clashes with my children that I never anticipated. While it has led to some discomfort, it has also changed my perspective in positive ways.

When I was growing up, I saw kids with dual personalities — they portrayed a docile nature at home but were wild elsewhere. I found this truly abhorrent and swore my kids would never be like that. I want to raise my kids to be bold, fearless and confident. I can't expect them to be like that out in the world, but not toward me.

I am getting what I wanted, but I didn't realize how much it would shock me. As I think about it, though, I am all for the trade. I gladly accept the cultural frustration, because I see there are also positive sides to this different culture.

Letting go of some cultural values

Becoming immigrants shone light on parts of the culture back home that we never questioned.

It still gives me a jolt to see my kids greet their teachers or principal by name with just a wave, a big smile and eye-to-eye contact. I was conditioned to say "Hello sir" or "Hello ma" on bended knees, even within the school environment. I initially tried to tell them to use "sir," but they looked at me with incredulous eyes and said, "Mom, that does not happen here."

I also had to do some learning myself. I still find it difficult sometimes to be on a first-name basis with elderly folks in my office or in the church, because I have been conditioned for decades on how to address them.

I have become used to my kids asking me a whole lot of "whys."

"Why can't I twist my hair as a guy?"

"Why can't I have coloured braids — how does that make me look wild?"

"Why do I have to go down on both knees to greet other African parents?"

My husband and I have come to realize we need to provide convincing answers to some of these questions. We just went along with a lot of things solely because it was taboo to question elders, parents and centuries-old norms back home.

We have had to go through the painful and sometimes frustrating process of letting go of cultural values that we have held onto our whole lives and meet with our kids in the present.

We have learned to understand that it is not rude when they challenge some of our positions and stand their ground on what they believe. They simply need reasonable explanations, and "because I am your mom/dad" will not cut it.

They are being brought up to look their teachers in the eye and debate issues they have a different perspective on. They bring this home and I must understand they are not being rude, because rudeness is defined within the context of the environment you find yourself.

What I have realized is that my kids aren't being disrespectful, they are just being taught respect in a fundamentally different way.

Future is bright

Coming to Canada was a lifetime achievement. We wanted to give our kids a platform to conquer the world. I just didn't realize there was much more contained in the decision.

Honestly, even with the challenges, I would definitely still choose to come here.

I look at my 18-year-old driving his siblings to school, being in college and working part-time to earn some extra money. I see him making decisions I never had the opportunity to make by myself, doing things I never had the opportunity to do, and being able to see life from a different perspective.

I have been freed from long-held beliefs and values that I never questioned. Once brought under scrutiny, they couldn't hold up.

The experience has been both exhilarating and painful, but as I peer into the future, it is so bright.

I know these kids of mine are well-equipped to take on the challenges that will come their way.

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