Miss manners? You bet I do! Why we need more civility everywhere we go
Manners used to matter. Come to think of it, they always do
There are some things from the past that I don't miss at all, like trying to coax some curl into my straight hair by sleeping in pink foam curlers or climbing a rope in gym class in what looks like an oversized baby's playsuit.
By contrast, there are things I miss every day. Little tiny things. Things that cost nothing.
Miss manners? You bet I do.
Manners used to matter. Come to think of it, they've always mattered. They had to.
When I say "caveman," you don't think "manners." However, they had to start somewhere and thank goodness it was in the cave because it kept our species alive. How so?
People, it's the Golden Rule! How many people even know what the Golden Rule is?
They lived as a tribe in close quarters to survive. It was for safety, hunting, sharing food and staying close for warmth. They depended on each other.
Say your cave was filled with rude, angry, greedy, mean, non-empathetic Neanderthals. (Kind of like a cave filled with Donald Trumps.) What then?
How long would that last? There would be constant friction and fighting, the group would split up and get killed — or kill each other.
There's no time for a me-me-me attitude in the cave. For survival of the fittest, you'd have to get along, and that means living with respect.
Now, like the caveman, manners have evolved to include courtesy and kindness, but unlike the Neanderthal, I don't want manners to disappear forever.
I know my manners didn't appear out of thin air. But since I was curious, I asked my mum, "Where did we learn manners?"
She looked at me like I've just asked if she's seen any Martians lately and said, "At home."
Where did she learn them?
"Well, at home from our mom and dad. Every day we had to follow suit. We were raised in an age of respect and it was for everyone at the table."
She turns her head away from me and laughs, "Oh, you'd know if you didn't use your manners!"
The same with us. We'd quickly be told if we weren't using ours.
I'm not suggesting that you have your pinkie finger at full salute when you have your cup of tea. I am, however, suggesting not burping, farting, chewing or talking with your mouth full at the table.
All of which — I am afraid to say — I've experienced recently.
Someone killed manners. But who?
Who killed manners? My mom, Pat Bates, observed, "In today's world with busy families and dance lessons and soccer nobody sits at the table to eat anymore. It's kind of hard to teach manners when they're always on the web."
Slowing but surely with social interaction and communication skills crumbling and sit-down dinners extinct, no one learns manners anymore.
That goes both ways, for kids and parents. You must teach them manners. It is not something they will pick up in the wired world.
People, it's the Golden Rule! How many people even know what the Golden Rule is?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Translated, that means treat others how you'd like to be treated. You know, with respect and kindness.
I poke the beehive when I'm out shopping.
By that, I mean that I will hold the door for someone and if they scoot in and say nothing, I say in a loud voice, "You're welcome!" I usually get a feeble, "Thank you."
I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm out shopping in second-hand stores looking for that wonderful thing I don't need, but I find shoppers with carts to be impervious, rude obstructionists.
Come to think about it, it's the same at Costco. When people are so attached to their smartphones they are oblivious to all around them.
You can take them with you
The thing with manners is that they are so compact you can take them with you anywhere and any time.
Oh, and if you're packing your manners, use them or lose them.
"Ladies first" was OK, but now if I'm first to the door at a store, I'll hold it for a man. While some men are uncomfortable with the role reversal, I stand my ground and hold that door. You're welcome!
Remember people-watching? It was something you used to do before all eyes turned to the smartphone.
I have a BE of PW (bachelor of eyes for people watching), and I'm amazed at the examples of bad manners I see.
Let's make a list
I see you! Come on, why can't you …
— Say hello.
— Look people in the eye.
— Hold a door for someone.
— Say please and thank you.
— Return your shopping cart to the cart corral.
— Avoid chronic cellphone use in public (and not talk about your infection, in-grown toenail, boss or significant other).
— Just stand in line. Why do you have to make a call to say, "I'm standing in line!"
— Not crowd me in the checkout! Personal space, people. We're not going steady; I'm just here to pay for my groceries.
— Not cut in line.
— Throw your garbage out and sort out the recyclables.
It's about the power of a please or thank you.
— Stop littering.
— Not throw your cigarette butts out the window.
— Talk to your children about manners before you take them out. There's nothing worse than having to step over a child on the floor crying and wailing like they're possessed.
— Take your hat off when you enter a room or a restaurant. This one riles my mother and she says if someone comes into a restaurant with a ball cap on she wants to go over and knock it off their head.
Hope from youth (and who wants chaos?)
Want to know a secret about manners?
It's about the power of a please or thank you.
People respond to someone being nice to them. They also respond if you are being rude. How many times have you walked away from a store clerk complaining, "they're so rude"?
Is there hope? I tutor an 11-year-old named Ethan. I asked him a few days ago to write me a couple of paragraphs about manners.
"Manners are important because that's how we get along," he wrote. "And if we did not use manners nor kindness the world would be chaos!"
Are you listening, leader of the free world?
My partner Liz taught school for almost 30 years. There was only one rule she told her students: "Respect."
Thank you for reading this.
Now, for the love of Miss Manners and everything polite, be civil.
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