Big boys don't cry? Time to ditch outdated notions around masculinity, emotions and affection

When I was growing up, my idea of a "real" man was simple. It was my dad. Or Sean Connery. Or James Bond, as played by Sean Connery. 

In my young mind, real men were tough. They knew how to build things, didn't complain about their health and enjoyed watching sports like hockey and football.

One thing was certain: real men didn't cry. 

They generally didn't show emotion, except to laugh or perhaps yell at the television when their team lost. They were fearless protectors of hearth and home who enjoyed a cold beer on a hot summer day and whistled at pretty girls.

As far as I knew, that was that. 

When did it become verboten in this culture for guys to touch each other, especially when we know for a fact that human touch is beneficial?

Then, dear reader, I gave birth to three sons. Thanks to them, every preconceived notion I had of masculinity has gone the way of the dodo. 

Let me be clear: I think a real man is whoever he wants to be. I'm convinced that there are as many ways to be a real man as there are men in this world. If a man is innately reserved and isn't into hugging or crying openly, that's his right. 

No touching?

What I'm having trouble coming to terms with is when a male of the species is naturally expressive when it comes to hugging or showing emotion.

Why is it taboo for males in our culture to get worked up over anything other than a championship game? When did our culture decide that males need to be emotionless, unaffectionate robots once they're out of diapers?

A prime example is touching between men. Every day at my workplace I see males from different cultures (i.e. non-North American) who don't seem to have any inhibitions when it comes to hugging their male friends or walking arm in arm with them.

So when did it become verboten in this culture for guys to touch each other, especially when we know for a fact that human touch is beneficial?

Scientific research has drawn a link between touch and our mental and physical health. Some research suggests that hugging may increase levels of oxytocin in the brain. Sometimes referred to as "the cuddle hormone," oxytocin plays a role in attachment in relationships, beginning at birth. Studies have found oxytocin also helps alleviate social anxiety and stress, while simultaneously producing feelings of trust. 

Research from the University of North Carolina found there may even be a link between hugging and lower blood pressure. The researchers pointed to other animal studies that support this idea — for example, research that found oxytocin rises and blood pressure falls in rats when their bellies are stroked. Lucky rats. 

Guys haven't always been relegated to physical isolation. Check out photos of men from the early 20th century, and you'll find ample evidence of physical affection. In them, men hold hands, sit on each other's laps and get close in a way that would nowadays be labelled by some as "gay." So what's changed? 

As with many aspects of culture, it seems to be a matter of changing norms. Before 1869, when the term "homosexual" was coined, society wasn't as concerned with strict definitions of "straight" and "gay." According to Richard Godbeer's book The Overflowing of Friendship, it wasn't unusual for platonic male friends to hold hands, cuddle, and even sleep in the same bed.

Once the concept of homosexuality was made explicit, however, men felt the need to clarify whether they were one or the other. It proved the death knell for intimacy in male friendships. 

Nowadays, it seems one armed 'bro-hugs,' with an optional slap on the back, seem to be as far as the majority of males are willing to go in terms of being physically affectionate.

As a woman, I regularly take comfort from hugs, from women and men. Supportive touch has helped me navigate some very tough times, including death and divorce.

I despise the idea that we arbitrarily deny this kind of comfort and support to males in this culture. I can't imagine enduring my father's death with a few handshakes and slaps on the back, which I suspect is what my brother experienced. 

As my sons have aged, it's been difficult to watch them pull away from me physically, for no better reason than worry about being ridiculed.

Gone are the days of cuddling up with them on the couch or them asking for a hug after a stressful day. My attempts to touch them are usually avoided or grudgingly accepted with a groan or an embarrassed laugh.

It reminds me of the days when I would run to hug my dad and he would immediately tense up and try to push me away. Sheer stubbornness on my part was the only thing that overcame his reluctance to hug, born of a lifetime of being told that kind of thing was for wimps. 

Nowadays, it seems one armed "bro-hugs," with an optional slap on the back, seem to be as far as the majority of males are willing to go in terms of being physically affectionate. That saddens me. 

In a world that has become increasingly stressful to navigate, our sons deserve no less emotional support and licence to be affectionate than our daughters. 

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