Are you ready for a family talk about gender identity? How to handle a sensitive discussion
Though political emotions are high, parents should aim to be calm, curious and supportive
Cynthia Sweeney is thankful to a Grade 5 teacher who read a book in class that changed the life of her child.
The book told the story of a transgender child, known to his classmates as George, who wanted to play Charlotte in a school production of Charlotte's Web as a means of expressing her true gender identity — a girl named Melissa.
Sweeney said the book gave her child the knowledge and the language to share a very personal struggle.
"They said to me at that time, 'I am something called transgender and I am not a girl and I feel like I'm in the wrong body. Can you please help me,'" recalled the Halifax-area mother of three in an interview with CBC News.
That moment, more than six years ago, began a journey for Sweeney and her child to come to terms with his gender identity and to begin the next school year with a change of appearance, a new name and different pronouns.
A conversation about gender identity could be coming to your dinner table sometime soon — if it hasn't already. It may happen because a child has questions about their own identity or that of a friend, or because the topic has come up in class, or because the heated debate over the role of educators in supporting transgender and non-binary students has made its way to their school.
Vancouver-based psychiatrist Dr. Shimi Kang said it's important for parents to have empathy and to not avoid the conversation, even if they're uncomfortable or don't have all the answers.
"We just have to be really careful with how we navigate these complex issues. They really aren't black and white," she said.
The big picture
Experts like Kang don't think gender identity — particularly when it comes to minors — is an issue for the political arena. But that's exactly where it has landed.
Two provinces, New Brunswick and Saskatchewan, have mandated that parents must provide consent for a transgender and non-binary child under 16 to use a different name and pronouns at school, whether or not it goes against the child's wishes or right to privacy.
"Parents must be included in all important decisions involving their children," Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe said online after announcing changes to his province's policy last month.
The school policies are facing legal challenges. The provincial governments have been targeted by protesters. And concerned advocates have highlighted the importance of safe spaces for children who are trying to understand their gender identity — especially if a child isn't ready to tell their family or fears they may not be supported at home.
Ontario hasn't brought in a policy but its education minister has said parents should be notified in such situations. On Friday, the topic was addressed by Ontario Premier Doug Ford, who told supporters at a rally that "It's not up to the teachers, it's not up to the school boards to indoctrinate our kids."
Be mindful of being a bully
Ford's language is reminiscent of a growing so-called parental rights movement, that argues educators are trying to indoctrinate children by teaching them about gender identity issues. The movement also alleges that teachers are actively trying to prevent families from having say in a child's understanding of their own gender.
It's attitude that has crept up from the U.S., where there have been more than 500 pieces of legislation targeting transgender and LGBTQ rights introduced so far this year, according to Kimberly Manning, a professor at Montreal's Concordia University who conducts research pertaining to parents of trans and non-binary youth.
"We're not talking about rogue teachers who are throwing kids into school buses and driving them down to the gender identity clinic. This is not what's happening," said Manning.
"This isn't about keeping secrets. This is about privacy and confidentiality."
School may feel like the only refuge for some kids, she said, but the politicization of the rights of gender diverse youth in that safe space and the "kind of moral panic" surrounding legislative decisions is "extremely dangerous and is in itself a form of bullying."
Be a listener, an ally and a trusted adult
It's perfectly normal for young people to confide in a teacher before sharing something with a parent. In fact, says psychiatrist Kang, it's a really good thing when a child has more trusted adults in their life.
Kang acknowledges that change is stressful and that parents might suffer a "fear of loss" when it comes to our values and our sense of autonomy.
She said parents hoping to have an open dialogue with a child should take an "authoritative versus authoritarian" approach when dealing with sensitive topics like gender identity.
It's also important to create an environment in which everyone is grounded and "present" in the moment — phones down and focused on what each other is saying.
"Listen before you jump in there and listen to understand, not to lecture," she said. "Take a breath and be curious."
If a child does go to a teacher first, she said, parents should try to understand that it may be the initial step they are taking in order to open up at home.
"Changing pronouns or changing names within a public school system, which is a public place, they are coming out to a certain degree," Kang said. "It will only be a matter of time before that parent finds out."
Finding a happy ending
While Sweeney's child benefited from exposure to the topic of gender identity in an elementary school lesson, she said instruction about gender diversity didn't actually go far enough.
Middle school proved to be tumultuous, due to a lack of understanding of what it meant for her child to be transgender.
He was subjected to so much bullying that she pulled him from the school and found an inclusive setting for him to continue his studies.
Sweeney is now the Halifax chapter lead of Pflag Canada, a national network offering support for families with gender diverse children.
She said that despite challenges along the way, her child has begun his last year of high school confident in who he is. And she knows that might not have been possible if that Grade 5 teacher hadn't been trusted to decide what material and topics to teach.
"I'm so grateful that the teacher didn't have to ask my permission to read that book."
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With files from The Canadian Press