Timetable: The exact moment you're allowed to wear shorts again

Are your knees desperate to escape the prison of pants? As the premier fashion expert in this apartment building, I'm sick of my neighbours always coming to me with the same question: "When exactly am I allowed to wear shorts again?" I can see how desperate they are for an answer; waking up every morning to the same sad pile of shorts on the closet floor. "One day," whispers a lonely pair of distressed jorts in the corner, "I will hug your thighs once more."

The truth is I get so tired of being asked for fashion advice. Better to publish an official timetable online and passive-aggressively link to it the next time somebody asks me a stupid goddamn question:

Is March 31st okay? Absolutely not.

I see you, Miranda, trying to wear shorts on top of leggings! You look fantastic, but miserable; even the trees are shivering at the sight of you. As the rule goes: No leaves on the trees, no breeze between the knees. Christian Dior is rolling over in his solid gold coffin, Miranda. Even he's wearing pants in this weather and he's dead.

What about April 12th? Let's ask the experts.

University of British Columbia sociology professor Armand Delacroix and first-year McGill fashion school student Daniella Monk join me today to help untangle the web that is the mid-April wardrobe switcheroo.

"Actually I'm an astronomy major," says Ms. Monk. "And I'm married, so it's Mrs."

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," cuts in Delacroix. "Everyone always wants to put labels on things. Why should we have one season for shorts, and one season with nothing good about it at all? I say: shorts all year."

"That's ridiculous," Mrs. Monk fires back. "If you start wearing shorts too soon, you'll get cold legs. I vote YES to common sense and NO to discomfort." I ask Mrs. Monk what she considers optimal shorts-wearing weather. "Never," she says. "If it's hot enough to wear shorts then you've gone to hell."

There you have it.

It must be fine by May 10th... Correct!

Ding ding ding! Yes! May 10th is the answer you've been impatiently scrolling through this article to find. The lukewarm environment of Canadian May is required; wearing any shorts-like attire before then is a sure sign of a filthy lifestyle. Miranda, we're looking at you.

Trends to look forward to this year: crumb texturizing, less forgiving waistlines, hot coffee-proof crotch guards (must be hot, must be coffee), and aluminum foil pocket liners for the overly-concerned smartphone user.

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