Diary of a man who's working up the courage to say 'let's bounce'

"You can choose from phantom fears

And kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear

I will choose free will."

- Neil Peart of Rush

***

Ziiiipp.

I opened my lunch baggie and pulled out my usual – tuna salad sandwich, no crust.

"I wonder if I'm living my best life," I thought to myself, as I munched on the sandwich and glanced casually around the staff room.

The other teachers thought of me as a pleasant guy, of that I had no doubt. Just this morning, I had a nice chat with Ms. Grey from the Geography department about shampoo (I'm thinking of changing brands). Not to mention I got a very kind "Sorry about the carpal tunnel, bro" from Mr. Bianchi in Phys. Ed. (Teaching computer sciences really takes a toll on the wrists, but that's another story).

Still, I couldn't help but feel I had been playing things too safe. What if I showed my coworkers a different side of me? What if there was a way I could truly "wow" them?

But how?

A beret? Leather pants? My impressive knowledge of cockney rhyming slang?

Or… What if, for the first time in my life, I used the expression "Let's bounce"?

I have always wanted to say this. I'm sure you've heard it before, maybe from Vin Diesel or Steven Seagal or from one of the characters on Entourage. It basically means "Why don't we leave now?" but in a way that's likely to send shivers down the spine of a common nerd. It's cool. It just is.

Why COULDN'T I be the kind of man who says "Let's bounce" to his colleagues after lunch? Just because I haven't been that kind of man up to this point in my life doesn't mean I won't be in the future. I'm not destined to live this "by the book, grade 10 teaching life" forever. I do not accept the idea that my fate is predetermined. I believe in free will, Goddamnit.  I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

The bell rang, and my colleagues slowly began to collect their things to head back to class. This was my chance.

Channeling an inner Tony Danza I did not know I had (but am glad I do), I flipped my chair around and sat backwards, "wild style" if you will. Realizing I needed an "in" of sorts, I carefully initiated conversation.

"Well, that was the bell. Guess lunch is over, hey?"

A couple of them nodded in agreement. (So far? So f'ing good.)

No more rehearsals. It was time to fly.

"Yeah, definitely a lunch-over situation for sure. Well then… let's bounce."

I did it. I really did it. Everyone stopped, clearly in shock. It was like time froze. In the silence, I got up, grabbed my backpack and casually winked at a fern as I strolled toward the exit (I meant to do this to one of the teachers but I was a bit over-excited and did it at the first thing that came in my field of view).

As I walked out of the room, I heard murmurs.  "Did he just say that? Really?"

You better believe it.

You know they say the Orangeville District Secondary School teachers lounge doesn't have an echo.  

On that day, were they ever wrong.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook and Instagram.