Cargo-short-wearing man wants world to know he's no longer interested in sex

KANATA, ON—After months of careful consideration, local real estate professional Ken Geisler announced Tuesday he will henceforth be a cargo-shorts-wearing kind of guy. The 37-year-old Kanata resident told reporters he based the decision on his desire for a wardrobe that better reflects the values of comfort, utility, and "not being interested in sex anymore."

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"To those shocked by this difficult choice, please understand the decision to be the kind of guy who wears bulky, uncool shorts is not one I make lightly," said Geisler, clad in 38-inch waist Levi's branded khaki shorts he purchased from the St. Laurent Centre's Hudson's Bay location.

Somewhere along the way, having that extra pocket space became more important than not looking like a total wiener.- Anonymous source

"But after weighing my options, I took stock of my life and decided it was time to accept who I truly am now, which is a guy who no longer cares at all about having sex," he added. "Not that I wouldn't if the opportunity came up or anything. It's just not something that's on my list of priorities anymore – a fact that is clearly demonstrated by the unflattering silhouette of these ugly, ugly shorts."

According to a source close to the situation, Geisler first realized his life had transitioned into a post-sexual-intercourse phase after his wife Denise tried to convince him to throw away his cargos in favour of a pair of more fashionable chinos. While Geisler accepted that his wife found him much more attractive in the slimming, un-pocketed shorts, he realized he ultimately appreciated the comfort and utility of having six or eight huge pockets "about a million times more."

"In another time, he would have cared enough about Denise's opinion to not go outside dressed like a misshapen lump," said the source. "But somewhere along the way, having that extra pocket space became more important than not looking like a total wiener."

When reached for comment, Denise Reid-Geisler confirmed her earlier attempts to remove the offending clothing from her husband's dresser and vowed to challenge his decision "to the fullest extent of the law."

"While I did technically vow to stand by Ken through richer and poorer, sickness and health, he's really pushing it this time," said the 35-year-old caterer through her attorney. "So long as I have breath in my body, I will dig those cargo shorts out of the laundry, put them in the trash, and replace them with clothes that an adult wears."

At press time, Geisler was also considering switching up his footwear to reflect his new status as a sexless man.

"I'm talkin' socks and sandals," he concluded. "It would really complete the whole look."

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