'Thank God my friend bailed on hanging out!' exclaims desperately lonely woman
Laryssa Funk, a local woman who secretly harbours intense feelings of loneliness and isolation, expressed relief today after learning that a friend had cancelled plans to meet her for coffee.
"I gotta say, I love Amanda, but honestly? I'm actually glad that I won't have to put on pants and leave the house!" enthused Funk, who already spends most of her time at home working as an online customer service rep, and who was both excited and desperate to reconnect with Amanda Toews, a longtime friend who has been a reliable source of encouragement and support.
"I love this—now I can just stay in, order Domino's, and watch Netflix," added Funk, naming three activities she has engaged in every night for the last week, and a routine she had been extremely eager to disrupt.
"Are there any sweeter words in the English language than, 'Sorry, can I take a rain check'?" asked Funk, tears welling slightly in her eyes as she stared out her bedroom window at strangers hustling by.
Funk, who has not talked to anyone in person for two weeks, and who has lately found herself lying awake at night wondering how many of her friends truly love and care about her, explained that given the choice between going to a party and reading a book at home, she might be more likely to choose the latter.
"That's just how comfortable I am with myself. I don't need to find happiness in other people."
Funk then began scrolling aimlessly through old Facebook photos of parties from her university days and audibly sighing.
The 28-year-old woman, who has lately been having dreams in which she is literally invisible to everyone in her life, explained that she's not antisocial at all.
"It's not that I don't like people. I do, really. It's just that I'm not needy, you know? If you want to hang, I'm down, but I'm also not worried if I don't see you in a while. I'm just very chill about that kind of thing." Funk neglected to mention that she had initiated her plans with Toews, had sent her excited messages two days in a row leading up to their meetup, and felt a sour knot of disappointment in her stomach when Amanda had to cancel.
Funk, while lying on her bed and staring vacantly into space, then announced that it might be fun to post a meme on Instagram about her elation at having the night free. Grabbing her phone, she posted a photo of the Married...With Children character Al Bundy with his hand down his pants and a satisfied grin, with the caption "TFW plans fall through." She then spent the rest of the evening obsessively checking to see how many likes it received, sending studiously "casual" messages to friendly acquaintances, and ignoring several episodes of Queer Eye.
When reached for comment, Toews confided that "to be honest, I told Laryssa that I was sick, but I actually just wanted to stay home. Laryssa's great, but it's been a long week, and I just wasn't feeling up to anything beyond getting Chinese and bingeing Party of Five. I just need a little self-care."
Toews then half-ate an order of moo goo gai pan, ignored four Party of Five episodes that dealt with Bailey's alcoholism, and worried about how difficult it would be to make new friends in her thirties.
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