National Gaslighters' Association announces it doesn't exist and you're being crazy
In a press conference held at what it denies is its headquarters, the National Gaslighters' Association announced today that it does not exist, and that anyone who claims otherwise is either outright lying or, quite frankly, needs help.
According to its alleged spokesperson Jay Menken, the organization, formed in 1982 to promote the interests of people who use deceit and denial to cause others to question their reality as a way of gaining power over them, is not real and never has been.
"Anyone insisting on the NGA's existence is simply trying to distract from their own national association of gaslighters," said Menken. "They're projecting their own traits onto us. We're the victims here," he added, adjusting the brim of his National Gaslighters' Association baseball cap and sipping coffee from a novelty mug that reads "GASLIGHTERS DON'T DO IT BETTER AND NEVER HAVE."
When asked by a reporter why he possessed said hat and mug, why he hosts a gaslighting-themed podcast called It's (Gas)Lit Fam, and why he was sitting in front of a large banner that reads NATIONAL GASLIGHTERS' ASSOCIATION, Menken sighed, rolled his eyes, and responded, "All of this stuff is obviously a joke. You really need to lighten up and not nitpick every hat, mug, enormous banner, and iTunes Top 10 podcast endorsed by Joe Rogan that you come across."
According to conflicting accounts, the NGA's membership numbers are anywhere from over 500,000 to 0, and its ranks are composed either of highly toxic and manipulative individuals or living saints who are being unfairly persecuted by forces bent on destroying them.
The possibly imaginary group's announcement comes on the heels of a highly publicized rally it did or did not hold outside City Hall, in which over 100 purported members reportedly held up signs reading "We Are Not the National Gaslighters' Association, Why Are You So Fixated On This?" and "I Don't Care If You Have a Recording of It, I Never Said Your Parents Hate Each Other".
The assembled throng also chanted, "One, Two, Three, Four, I won't discuss this anymore!" and "Five, Six, Seven, Eight, YOU stood ME up for our date!"
The event, which many participants insist did not happen despite video evidence, broke up an hour in, when roughly half of the attendees began loudly complaining that the other half were attacking them and promptly left.
When asked if he thought the rally had been successful, Menken immediately changed the subject and launched into a rambling monologue about tractor-trailers that somehow culminated in him accusing everyone in attendance of not supporting him emotionally.
Asked about NGA's plans for the future, Menken claimed to be blindsided by the question, which he described as "bewildering" and "coming completely out of nowhere."
When the reporter who posed the question took issue with this depiction, Menken replied, "Wow, I have no idea what you're getting upset about. I thought it was a fine question, and never said otherwise. You're just projecting your insecurities onto me, which is pretty low."
On that note, Menken promptly stormed out of the room, yelling as he exited, "You people are scum!" Twenty minutes later, he reappeared, asking the few journalists who remained, "Where'd everyone go? Man, some people are so sensitive!"
Menken's new book Chicken Soup for the Gaslighter's Soul, his follow-up to the bestselling memoir How is This MY Fault? Reflections on Life, Love and Laughter From the World's Most Unfairly Attacked Man, will be released January 29 by Harper Collins.
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