A man catcalled me on the street, so obviously here are my wedding vows!

My sweet, wonderful Jerry.

I'll never forget the very first time I laid eyes on you and immediately thought, "oh god, what now." But our connection was instant and undeniable, just like in the movies: in the space of just a few seconds, you went from "a random stranger on the street" to "a random stranger on the street yelling something incoherent about my calf muscles at 8:30 am on a Tuesday morning when I was trying to get to work."

As a woman, if you're truly lucky, a moment like that only comes around once every twenty minutes or so. But that one? That one was special.

Jerry, sometimes the universe places someone directly in your path, literally though, and there's just no way you can possibly move past him. Either that's because you're helplessly enamoured, or because the guy gets in your personal space before you've had coffee and refuses to move until you acknowledge that he's shouting something vaguely sexual at you. I'm not totally clear on which it was for us, but I promise you this: I want to spend the rest of our lives trying to find out.

Jerry, you've had my complete and full attention from the second you entered my life. That's because society's trained you from birth to feel entitled to it whenever you want it! But love requires both people to take a risk. And so, here we are today – you shouted an unknown woman, and I decided to run with it. Yes, pretty far, admittedly. It's fine.

So here is my promise to you:

I promise to stick by you on the happy days when I'm smiling, and on the harder days where I'd be a lot prettier if I smiled.

I promise to always walk beside you on the road of life, rather than 3-5 feet away from you as I hurry ahead in a cloud of rage, frustration, and a growing feeling of uneasiness.

I promise to never wear earphones when you're trying to talk to me. You are infinitely more important than whatever I was listening to.

I promise to build a meaningful life with you – yes, even more beautiful and stable than the absurdly overpriced waterfront condo you were building on the morning we met.

I love you, Jerry Someone-or-other of Can-Do Contracting and Drywall Services. Or I will, maybe, eventually, after a bunch of years of just getting used to you being around. But maybe not! Anyway, we'll see.

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