The official template for cancelling plans

Once upon a time, cancelling plans was nothing short of an abomination.

In our teens and early twenties, daytime existed only to propel us closer to club and bar nights, and anyone who dared bail on our rituals of pre-drinking and dancing was forever labelled a Buzzkill™.

(At least in my circle, where deciding to stay in was akin to betrayal.)

But then we got older.

We got jobs and responsibilities and lost the ability to function after less than 13 hours of sleep.

Last year, I stayed up to watch the Blue Jays clinch the AL Wild Card spot, and I went on to spend the next day bragging about how tired I was as though I'd hit the 11th inning walk-off homerun myself.

"Crazy night," I said, ordering my second Venti-something-or-other to a barista who could not care less.

"But it was worth it."

And yet, we still hesitate to cancel plans. We edge towards the cancellation, terrified we'll be responsible for delivering the worst news another person has ever received. ("I can't make it to Starbucks tonight. I'm sorry.")

We defer to the second party, asking what they want to do (and hoping they say "anything but keep our plans tonight"). We suggest rescheduling, living for the sweet relief of an "Okay, sure!" before realizing this means we'll have to make plans again soon.

Or worse, we don't cancel at all and feel the energy physically drain from us as we resign ourselves to attending a "networking event" where we're forced to answer 14 versions of the question, "So what are you up to these days?"

No more.

Below is the only template you need whenever you want to cancel plans. Use it and bask in the beautiful glory of changing your life.

Enemies

[Formal greeting] [Name]

I'm so sorry to do this, but something's come up and I have to reschedule. Let me know what days/times work for you, and hopefully we can figure something out from there. Thank you!

You will receive only a one-word response as your place on their Arya Stark-like kill list will immediately be cemented. This will not be helped by the fact that all messages like the above are delivered in a tone that explicitly states, "I have never hated a person as much as I hate you."

However, you do not care.

Acquaintances

[Generic greeting] [Friend's name]!

What's up! Did you still want to [description of plans]? Not gonna lie, [vague reason of why you're not up for hanging out] so I might not be super-fun, but if you want to [low-key suggestion so dull and unappealing that it borders on "nap side by side on twin beds in a department store"], that could work. Let me know!

No person on the planet would read that message and cling to plans. Call the police if they do, and take solace in knowing you avoided a serial killer.

Professional contacts

[Generic greeting] [friend's name]!

Hope you're well! Do you think we could reschedule our [lunch that exists only for the loose purpose of networking and/or having dry conversation]? The week's gotten away from me and [reason why you are an adult human completely unable to be responsible]. Let me know!

They never wanted to go, either. You will never figure out another time or place.

Friends

[Casual greeting] [No name is necessary; they know who you are]

I think I have to bail tonight. I'm [way of saying tired without specifically saying "tired"]. When are you free next?

They will have an answer for you almost immediately, as they know exactly what you're about. You will avoid writing back for 24 hours, before suggesting a last-minute dinner that you will both somehow be free and happy to attend.

Best friends

HEYYYYYYYYY

I have to bail tonight, I feel like death. I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU LET'S HANG NEXT WEEK?

Simultaneously, you will receive the same text verbatim. You will then spend three hours texting about how much everybody else is annoying you before deciding to just hang out anyway.

Me, personally

I'm so thankful you're not a freak and love cancelling plans because I don't want to go out tonight.

This was a text I received from one of my best friends three weeks ago. I'd never felt so seen. I went out and bought jeans instead.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.