JOB POSTING: White House press secretary

"FOR REAL" is a weekly place for Anne T. Donahue to gracefully rage out about politics, pop culture and the general insanity of being alive in 2017.

This week it was reported that in the wake of becoming an international laughingstock, Sean Spicer will likely be moved to a post that doesn't involve anything he's been doing since January. Specifically, he will stop giving press briefings, which will be a genuine loss for Saturday Night Live.

• PREVIOUSLY: The new White House rules now that Barron's moving in
• PREVIOUSLY: A day in the life of Trump's Twitter habit

According to a top administrator, Spicer will be given a more "senior" communications role. Meanwhile, three people are being considered as his possible replacement.

The job posting is as follows: 

Position: White House press secretary

Start date: Immediately

Salary: Depends on gender

• The White House press secretary will be expected to deliver daily briefings to the White House press corps and to keep them updated on whatever the president feels comfortable lying about.
   
• Briefings are to be succinct and professional, and are in no way to exceed ten minutes or to offer insight into the president's decision-making or choice of words.
   
• The president is to be defended and championed at all costs, using historical events, tweets, quotes, found footage, audio recordings, folders brimming with blanks sheets of paper, and gifs to be dispelled and refuted, no matter what.
   
• The press secretary's job is NOT to be the media's friend – it is to sell the president's agenda the way you would a car that is actually just a rusty shopping cart with an iPad attached to it.
   
• All briefings must be delivered with confidence – preferably, the type reserved for frat boys arguing the merits of Quentin Tarantino at a screening of The Beguiled. Hostility is welcomed, aggression preferred. If questioned to the point of nearing the truth, the press secretary must know how to quickly parlay questions about Russian cyber-hacking into commentary on what makes the president a true patriot.
   
• As a result, the following topics must be avoided at all costs: Russia, Jared Kushner, Jared Kushner's speaking voice, Steve Bannon, Steve Bannon's cargo shorts, Vladimir Putin, James Comey, Jeff Sessions, whether Jeff Sessions is a racist and sentient apple doll, Twitter, #TeamFollowback, Sean Spicer, Sean Spicer's green tie, gum (chewed or otherwise), the Bowling Green Massacre, Kellyanne Conway, Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin, Barron, the Beer Baron, handshakes, loneliness, profound sadness, the nickname "Spicey," KFC.
   
• If challenged, the press secretary must exhibit quick enough wit to turn questions against journalists and to ensure that all members of the media are inherently worried about losing White House privileges or their freedom thanks to their "curiosity." The media are not our friends. They are hurdles to be jumped over en route to the Kremlin.
   
• "Fake news!" is to be shrieked in any and all moments of intellectual duress. Candidates must have a voice that is clear and loud. If asked about collusion, "Fake news!" is to be screamed until the press secretary can be picked up and carried out, firefighter-style, by the Secret Service.
   
• When in doubt, deflect questions. When bored, deflect questions. When nervous, deflect questions.
   
• Each interview will be 45 minutes long. 40 of those minutes will be allotted to dodging tennis balls lobbed at the candidate by unidentified White House staffers screaming "questions!" Five minutes will be allotted for chewing gum and swallowing it. The candidate who knows the most about President Trump's personal life will be given the job, regardless of interview outcome.

Good luck.

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