REPORT: 'We should have coffee sometime!' most sure-fire predictor of never seeing a human person ever again

A new report issued by Canada's Minister of Human Interaction says that running into an acquaintance in the street and exclaiming "We should have coffee sometime!!!" is the #1 indicator that you will never, as long as you both live, see each other ever again. It's very sad. But unfortunately it has to be this way.

A team of the most sought-after linguists in the country were enlisted as part of the study to help determine exactly which part of this horrific utterance is responsible for such a catastrophic outcome.

"I really think it's the 'sometime' part," explains Brenda Biggs, one of the lead researchers. "You don't say 'sometime' to someone you genuinely want to see. You say words like, you know, 'How about Sunday?' or 'What are you doing tonight?'"

"'Sometime' is code for 'I could not give less of one shit when or if this coffee happens,'" she adds. "If you disagree with my findings, we should totally have coffee sometime."

Another researcher, Reid Jorgensen, points to the word "should" as the real "face-puncher of the sentence."

"As human beings, we want to hear, "Hey I'd love to have coffee with you' or 'Let's have coffee!'" he explains. "The word should, though? Ouch, seriously. I mean why don't you just hang a large sandwich board on the person that says Oppressive Social Obligation?"

The report contained some truly alarming statistics, namely: after a decade of following people around in every major city in Canada with a tape recorder, researchers were able to conclude that "We should have coffee sometime!!" accounts for fully 95.33% of last words ever spoken between two people.

Furthermore, if the other person's response contains the word "Totally!!!" anywhere in it, that percentage shoots up to 104.2%.

The study also examined the root cause of the dreaded utterance.

"If you run into someone unexpectedly, and it's nice to see them, but you really don't have time, inclination, or desire to hang out with them again, it is physiologically impossible to simply say 'Okay well…bye!'" Jorgensen explains.

"As scientists we don't fully understand the biological mechanism yet, but the human brain is unable to part ways with an acquaintance without making plans, even if those plans are utter bullshit and you both know it so hard."

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