Appropriate times to approach me in a coffee shop

Look, I get it. I have red hair and glasses solidifying my brand as "cartoon character come to life." I'm approachable. I'm like fish food for people holding clipboards and wearing charity vests. I wish every day of my damn life that I chose the goth life. Unfortunately the goth life didn't choose me and so I am shackled here looking like a distant relative of Pepper Ann (or if you're a Recess-head, straight up Gretchen from Recess).

For these reasons, it's easy for people – specifically, men – to feel encouraged to come up and talk to me in a coffee shop whilst I am 10000000000.13495986% of the time focused and wearing headphones drinking a sugary sweet delight.

So. I thought it best to write a handy-dandy list of times it might be appropriate to approach me in a coffee shop. I mean, what else is a tiny condiment bottle* like me supposed to do?

*Tiny condiment bottle is the cutest thing I could think of at the time of writing.

1.

You are the barista I just ordered coffee from and it wasn't busy so you decided to do a random act of kindness by bringing me my coffee.

2.

I am actively and literally on fire and you have a solution to my problem.

3.

I'm wearing a sign that says "ASK ME ABOUT MY SCREENPLAY" and you are a Hollywood exec who's completely FLUMMOXED by the deadline you're under to find the NEXT BIG THING.

4.

Someone called in a bomb threat and you think I am the bomb. And not like, "Dude, you're the bomb." Let's get the record straight: I am not the bomb in a cool capacity and I assure you I am not a bomb that is going to explode this here establishment.

5.

I am having a seizure. But even then if no pee has come out, wait a bit.

6.

You need to ask me if I am Banksy. Honest mistake I will absolutely forgive.

7.

You are my friend and we have made plans to meet at this exact coffee shop at this exact time. But even then, suss out the situation – how badly do we want to see each other. As people.

8.

You're giving away free bottles of wine but you're also a mute so you just communicate that it's free by handing me a note that says, "this is a complimentary bottle of wine. It is not poisoned. I am not a murderer. Just enjoy it."

9.

You're a cute man who might be interested in me but instead of saying anything about that, or my appearance, you just say "I didn't read it, but whatever you're writing is really smart and really funny and your dad would be so proud" and then you run – I SAID RUN – out of the coffee shop. If I choose to reach out I will do so via Craigslist's Missed Connections.

10.

You are Beyonce, Oprah, Tom Hanks, Peter Dinklage or the golden retriever from Homeward Bound.

11.

Wait. Actually, all dogs welcome. And tiny pigs.

12.

I have died and you're the person whose job it is to remove my body. But if you're this person, can you act like I have entered your body and then scream the lyrics of Pony by Ginuwine real quick before leaving? THX… OH ALSO can you print my best tweet and share it at the funeral? My fans deserve it.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.