OP-ED: Don't worry, I'm not like other girls

Hey, can someone hold my eight beer-filled basketballs for a second? Great, thanks. Now listen up, Jason-Chad: I just want you to know that I am NOT like other girls.

All those clothes-shopping, feelings-feeling, high-maintenance, turmeric-latte-sipping divas named Lindseigh you've dated??? They'll be a distant memory the nanosecond you and I hook up. Me? I keep a pound of extra-hot wings under my backwards Raptors hat at all times. I've never heard of tampons, what even are they? Oh, this? It's just my smokin' hot bod that — whoops! — I always forget I have and do exactly nothing to maintain! I'm way too busy listening to your March Madness picks, and please tell me every detail and don't leave ANYTHING out otherwise I'll sob into my bacon cheeseburger.

Let me run you through some of the other crucial differences between them and me:

Other girls like shoes. Not me. I'd way rather walk around with an empty beer box on each foot. Comfortable? Check. Affordable? Check. Stylish? I don't know or care what that means, but check.

I mean, I guess it's true that my cousin Amy usually goes shoe shopping to celebrate having successfully published yet another novel. Or my sister Tanya who treated herself to new shoes for the grand opening of the women's medical clinic she founded. And that's pretty cool. Anyway NO IT ISN'T, and bring on the Bud Light Lime!!

Other girls like talking about their feelings. BORING! I have exactly one feeling, and it's sports. When I feel like I might be about to cry, this weird automatic reflex kicks in and I just start helplessly rapping Eminem. I can't help it! It's because of how different I am. From other girls. It is NOT normal OR healthy to have access to your emotional needs. What's way healthier is to deny them to the point you're scared to talk about them. Or at least that's what men have been demonstrating to me my whole life. They must be right! Eminem it is!

Other girls looooove to have The Conversation. They'll wait until you're in bed, moments away from sleep, and suddenly they'll ask, "So, like….what are we?" Not me. No way. The only conversation I need to have is "When are we…having our next fart contest??" The only thing I care about "locking down" is the EXACT DATE AND TIME.

I mean, sure, this one time over coffee my co-worker Annie said, "It's natural to want to know if you're on the same page as the person you're dating, and after a point, it's really important to articulate that to each other." And I was like, huh. That's actually a pretty astute observ —

But then I suddenly got distracted by all the bouncing Ping-Pong balls! See, at all times, I'm playing a game of beer pong against myself atop a small portable table I keep strapped to my waist. So. Talk to you later, Annie.

UGH, women.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook and Instagram