Tips for the busy modern woman trying to have none of it whatsoever

Ugh, ladies! You know how it is: you're rushing around like a crazy person trying to actively opt the heck out of motherhood, career, hobbies, and any and all social interactions – all while looking nothing like a Victoria's Secret model.

Exhausting!

How doesn't she do it??!

How does any woman find the time to studiously avoid everything all day, reject the crushing weight of endless societal expectations, and still find a little "me time" during the week to watch Air Bud 32 in a bathrobe???

Remember: you have the same number of hours in a day as Béyonce, so there's simply no reason you can't accomplish exactly 100% fewer things than her.

Follow these helpful tips to prove to yourself and everyone around you that with a little hard work, perseverance, and a lot of coffee, yes, women can have absolutely none of it!

Set some concrete goals

Are you exhausted by all the women around you killing themselves to be #1 Mom, Employee of the Geologic Era, and MVP of their rec league soccer team, all while filled to their necks with homemade organic green smoothies? Let's take it down a notch, or better yet, multiple notches.

Goals like "#57 Mom In This Particular Hallway Of Teddy's School" or "Employee Who Showed Up For Several Days This Week, Albeit Not Consecutive Ones But It's Fine" are concrete, vaguely proactive, and easily attainable.

Don't pin them to a vision board or write some long rambling thing on an Instagram post of forty sunsets. That's weird and way too intense. In the laissez-faire spirit of the goals themselves, scribble them on a Domino's napkin that you accidentally throw out the next day. Good!

Dress the part

You know that expression "dress for the job you want?" It's easy to reinvent yourself with a few snazzy new outfits and completely change your self-perception.

Trade your power pantsuits for like weird, shapeless track pants from Value Village. Get a hat that makes only you laugh. Embrace your mismatched socks, and how touching it is that one's a silky black dress sock and the other's got SpongeBob giving the middle finger, plus is widely considered a slipper.

Who's going to hire you now?? WHO WILL MARRY YOU??

No one, and thank god.

Ask for help

Even the most determined woman in 2018 can't do absolutely nothing alone.

When you feel overwhelmed by just how much stuff you need to opt out of – online dating, visiting your super-critical parents who live 90 provinces away, obligatory after-work drinks, bikini waxing – call a girlfriend and outsource.

When she answers, just wail "Nooooooooooooooooo, I caaaaaaaaaan't" for one full hour. A true friend will cancel your hair appointment for you while you go back to bed.

Lie facedown on the floor

Nothing says "I will not be participating in this ridiculous society, thanks" like a person lying facedown on the floor. It really doesn't matter which floor! Your office, your apartment, the streetcar, a Radio Shack, the living room of a stranger named Linda!

The nice thing is that everywhere has floors.

A little time-management goes a long way

Take half an hour each morning to sleep through your workout, and sleep through it HARD. Then, with the help of a handy tool such as an Excel spreadsheet, map out exactly how many red velvet cupcakes you're going to have for breakfast before moving on to several episodes of Fuller House.

It's crazy out there for women, and with some basic organization and a good community of enablers around you, you can loudly and triumphantly say no to the entire overwhelming and impossible tangle of things that women are supposed to be. GODSPEED! You've totally got this.

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