How to ask for a raise at work without revealing you're a woman

Sneaking around an office space without alerting your coworkers to the fact you're a woman is a difficult task on the best of days. Forget the fact that you've got to do 30% more work to be paid equally without tipping anyone off that you're coming in early and leaving late – you've also probably got one of those dead-giveaway names like "Sarah" or "Christine".

If you've managed thus far without letting anyone know how emotional you are, congratulations! Now's the perfect time to ask for a raise. Here are some helpful tips for getting the salary you deserve while making sure nobody ever suspects you're one of the ones who isn't allowed to have body hair.  

1. Wear a mustache to your meeting

This feels like an obvious approach, but do not underestimate the inherent gravitas that comes with having facial hair. As the saying goes, "Respect is not earned, it's grown… facially" (Hemingway, probably). Spend some time choosing an appropriate mustache for yourself, keeping in mind that the style will determine how much money you'll be able to ask for without making anyone suspicious. For example, a handlebar mustache says you love a good gas station and are willing to negotiate your raise, while a Dali suggests it's totally reasonable for you to request a ridiculous sum without the willingness to compromise. Talking at length about your lanolin mustache regime will assuage any fears your employer might have about giving your salary a boost and paying to install a sanitary napkin dispenser for you in the washrooms. You're not a woman, no sir.

2. Take up space

You are entitled to every square foot of space in that office. Take it. It's yours, why not! Enter the room with your arms outstretched. Carefully walk around the perimeter, touching all the objects on the shelves before getting yourself low to the floor to examine the area underneath your employer's desk. If you're feeling bold, climb onto your chair and check out the ceiling. Make sure your employer knows you're his equal by moving in really close to his face and inhaling each breath he exhales. He'll know you mean business and he'll never suspect you're one of those people who might expect some kind of insurance coverage for birth control, though he will of course happily cover your prescription for Viagra.  

3. Spontaneously quote movies without any context or explanation

If there's one language men understand, it's movie quotes. Your employer will not only understand what you mean when you interrupt his performance review with a loud "My WIIIFE!" – he will appreciate you ending the meeting with a "F*ck it dude, let's go bowling." A considerable raise is coming for you, the employee who – *phew* -- won't need that selfish maternity leave to care for another human life!

4. Throw in some facts about World War II

Every employer wants to know their male employees are spending a great deal of free time thinking about World War II documentaries. If you don't know anything about World War II, just say "Dieppe" over and over while shaking your head.

And finally…

5. Call another woman from the office into your meeting

Now don't worry, she'll see your mustache and understand exactly what's going on and she'll have your back. Every woman in the world understands a mustachioed female coworker when she sees one. Ask her a simple question. Before she has the chance to answer it, interrupt and answer it for her. If you'd like, you can also wait for her to answer it and then tell her why she is wrong. This one is the dealer's choice. Your employer will be putting the paperwork through for your salary increase before your female coworker even has a chance to leave the room!

You did it! Now get back to work because your raise is still only going to bring you to 88% of what your male coworkers are earning for doing the same job, and they've all already left early for the day.

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