Man engaged in painful wait to reply to text so he won't look like total loser
Calgary man Ryan Elliott, having just received a text from friend Patrick Weathers, is currently waiting for what he considers to be a socially acceptable period of time before responding, despite being currently available to text him back and feeling an overwhelming compulsion to do so.
"I just think it would look kind of pathetic if I reply immediately," explained Elliott, who had already typed out his message and was staring at the time on his phone and waiting for 10 minutes to pass.
"I don't want people to think I'm just sitting around with nothing better to do than message them," he added, while staring blankly at the results for a Google image search for "Kirstie Alley 1970s" on his phone.
"I like to wait anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour to answer people back," Elliott continued. "Although I've never actually waited an hour. Or a half-hour. Or even eleven minutes."
In addition to waiting to give a reply, Elliott also typically opens his messages with some variation on the phrase, "Sorry I didn't see this earlier!"
"I do that," claimed Elliott, "so it seems like I've made them wait for an answer because I was busy with other things." Elliott then conducted a Google image search for "Shelley Long 1970s" and let out an enormous yawn.
When asked what he thought would happen if he responded to texts, emails or Facebook messages immediately, Elliott mused, "I imagine people would think I'm clingy, or desperate for human interaction."
When questioned further if he made this same assumption about other people, he answered, "No, I would probably just think I caught them at the right moment."
When pressed about why he thought others wouldn't think the same about him, he shrugged, muttered unintelligibly, and gaped at photos of a young Shelley Long on his phone.
Stephen Donwood, Professor of Psychology at the University of Calgary, suggests that Elliott's mindset is rooted in a deep insecurity. "The fact that Mr. Elliott thinks that people who care about him will abandon him if he answers them too promptly indicates a profoundly low self-esteem that he projects onto others. Then again, considering how annoying this guy sounds, maybe he isn't projecting. Maybe his friends actually will stop talking to him."
When reached for comment, Elliott's friend Patrick confirmed that "if Ryan were to ever hit me back immediately, I would cut him out of my life completely. Also, the rest of his friends and I are constantly hanging out without him, and we have a lot more fun when he isn't around. Plus, our bonds with each other are stronger than our bonds with him, and secretly we don't consider him a real friend. And he wasn't invited to Todd's wedding not because it was a small ceremony but because Todd doesn't actually care about him. And everyone secretly thinks his new haircut looks stupid, and his obsession with Cheers is boring, not charming."
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