Where I ACTUALLY was all those times I texted 'Be there in 5!'

Ah, yes! The classic text message that reads "There in 5!" We've all sent it, and apparently it has a magical ability to turn us so violently optimistic that we feel we can defy the laws of space and time.

It's time for me to come clean: here is a list of recent times I texted a friend that I was five minutes away, and the honest truth of my longitude and latitude.

1. I slept through my alarm, woke up an hour late for work and still had to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and begin my 45-minute commute on the highway. "Should be in in 5 minutes!" I texted my boss. I arrived at 2:38 p.m.

2. Okay, so YES I texted you "Be there in 5!" even though I was just half-an-hour into watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy in a different area code. Sorry.

3. I was running a bit late for our dinner date. "There in 5!" I texted as I was wheeled into the Labour & Delivery ward. I had every intention of being there in five minutes. Just had to birth this kid real quick, jump in the shower, and then I'd be good to go. Look, I'd heard some births can be really fast! It was my first kid, I don't know! Sorry I was three days late.

4. We had plans to have coffee in Toronto. I was returning from a trip to Africa. "There in 5!!" I texted you, however if you want the truth, I was still on a different continent, waiting to board my flight, and still had a 14-hour plane ride ahead of me. Sorry.

5. I said I'd come over for a fun board-game night with you around 7 p.m. However, I had just boarded a space shuttle as I was participating in the Orion 2 mission, and yes, okay, I admit I was six or eight months away rather than five minutes.

6. Just for kicks, I had travelled back in time to the Pleistocene era but unfortunately due to technical difficulties, I got stuck there and couldn't find my way back. I had agreed to babysit your infant son at 2 p.m. Look, I knew heading into that text that it was a bit of a stretch. Just had to live out one million years, grow accustomed to modern-day food, clothing, transportation, and social customs, and then I'd be right over.

Sorry that your entire bloodline was long dead by the time I arrived.

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