Live each day as if it were your last, except it probably won't be and you'll have a lot of explaining to do

Just like it says on my Aunt Nance's wooden plaque above the bidet at the cottage, "Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last." It's so true, you guys: mostly likely, you'll get hit by a mattress truck tomorrow. You never know, but the chances of this are sitting at almost 200%. So it's time to wake up and really start living.

For starters, quit your job. March right up to Suze's desk, pick up the nearest megaphone, and tell it like it is: "SCREW YOU, SUZE, AND SCREW THIS SOULLESS CORPORATION THAT IS KLEENEX'S HEAD OFFICE AND ESPECIALLY SCREW ITS BULLSHIT CAFETERIA WHERE THEY'VE SPELLED IT 'MACKARONI' FOR YEARS." Then Rollerblade on outta there. YOU'RE FREE.

Huh. Okay, so it's morning, and you're still alive. No mattress trucks today, I guess! Well, I mean, thank GOD, and all the more reason to live this day like it's your last. This new one here. Sorry we were pretty wrong about yesterday!

You know what you need to do today? It's time to tell your brother-in-law what you REALLY think of him: that he's a right-wing nutbar and he looks like a melted seagull. Call him right now. Then, dance naked in the mall. Do it. This is the only life we have. Any minute now, it could all come crashing —

Whoops, so you got arrested. And now your brother-in-law isn't talking to you. Okay, and yes, you may want to send Suze a quick email vis-à-vis the whole "possibility of getting your job back" thing. But maybe wait and see if you're even still alive by next week? After all, you could have a freak aneurysm in the shower, or that mattress truck thing could happen. A shelf could fall on you at Grand & Toy. In one quick moment, life could be whisked away.

Which is why, today? Today's the day you run desperately and crazed through an airport, fall at the feet of your high school boyfriend, and finally tell him he's your soulmate. Ideally you do this in front of his shocked girlfriend or wife, just for maximum carpe diemth. What's that? You're not sure you believe that he's your soulmate? It's a fleeting thought you had once during a low point six years ago? I literally do not care. GO GET HIM. WAKE UP AND START YOUR LIFE.

What's that? You "really can't be sure he has any immediate plans involving air travel"? Doesn't matter. Run through the airport frantically every 3–5 hours screaming his full given name, and just statistically speaking, you'll run into him at some point.

Huh. Arrested again, eh? And he caught the story on the news and has taken out a restraining order?? Jeez. And you're banned from flying for one calendar year? Well, gosh.

Did you find him though?

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