A transcript of the week I answered honestly every time my partner asked 'What are you thinking about?'

What even is this question? Why do people in relationships insist on asking it? I'll tell you what it is: IT'S A TRAP, because at any given moment of the day, I'm either thinking something completely random, extremely boring, or unquestionably inappropriate. For a period of one full week, I decided to respond with brutal honesty each and every time my partner asked me this inexplicably invasive thing. It did not go well, and he now deeply regrets every moment we've ever spent together.

MONDAY

[lying awake in bed quietly at 4 am]

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm straight-up thinking about your brother's calves."

"Wh — what?"

"Sorry, but they're nice. They look strong. I've always thought that. I enjoy it when that guy wears shorts."

"Okay but are you… thinking about them in a… sexual way?"

"Yup!"

TUESDAY

[moments after he's proposed on a moonlit picnic blanket]

"What are you thinking about?"

"It's just —

"You can tell me anything"

"Would you still like me if every single time I entered a room I was inexplicably soaking wet? Like I'm talking dripping hair, completely waterlogged clothes, all of it."

WEDNESDAY

[I shriek from the upstairs shower]

"What's wrong?? Talk to me! What are you thinking??"

"HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL THE HO-HO-HOLD THE PAYMENT EVENT"

"Well, I mean it's…May, and that tends to be a Christm —

"FUCK."

THURSDAY

[while berry-picking in the country and frolicking in a sunny field]

"What are you thinking?"

"The only place I truly feel alive is inside a Radio Shack."

"Okay. Do they… still have Radio Shacks?"

"No, so perhaps you can understand my struggle."

"Sure, of — of course."

FRIDAY

[at my grandfather's funeral]

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. What's on your mind?"

"Probably they went through a few drafts before they arrived at the food truck idea. Like probably they thought up food hearse, and then food horse. Don't you think?"

"I'm...not sure that I do think that, but I respect that you do."

SATURDAY

[The nanosecond he wakes me up by handing me a cup of coffee in bed]

"Good morning, beautiful. Whatcha thinking about?"

"I mean I guess when it comes right down to it, figure skating is probably the most socially acceptable way to drape your body around someone else's neck and get a sweet little free ride for 40 metres."

SUNDAY

[during a pause in an EXTREMELY heated argument about the iTunes user agreement]

"What are you thinking?"

"If we adopt an elderly son someday as I desperately hope we will, what should we name him: Dortch, Glarp, or Gaaaaaary?"

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