'Climate change isn't going to fix itself!!!' and other wake-up calls available at my new hotel

How wonderful! I've just opened a chain of hotels called Snüz. They are worldwide, and they are forever. But frankly, I'm sick and tired of our culture's complacent attitude to the most pressing issues of the day.

Whether it's climate change or politics or taking ownership of your own health, we as a society need hotel concierges who know how to wake us up PROPERLY AND FOR GOOD. It's all tough love here at Snüz. Enjoy your stay!

If you call down and request a wake-up call at Snüz, don't expect a gentle, whispered "Good morning!" through the phone at 7 a.m. Nope. No. As at any hotel, you can choose the time, but our cheerful receptionist Charles will create a deeply personal wake-up call customised specifically for your needs.

That's The Snüz Difference™.

By combing through the information you provided in your online reservation, plus a little light Googling, Charles will be able to tell what kind of wake-up call you in particular are most in need of. Examples include:

1.

"Good morning! I know someone who put off her annual physical exam for a decade and it's because deep down, she didn't really value herself. Happy Tuesday!"

2.

"Hello, it's the front desk! The government has never had your best interests at heart and sure isn't about to start now! Bottom line is the bottom line! Up and at 'em, champ!"

3.

"Good morning! Your marriage provides you with the illusion of stability but no one close to you thinks you've ever known genuine happiness! Breakfast closes at 10!"

4.

"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey! Every time you ignore your parents' calls you get one step closer to living with eternal regret after they're gone. Check out time is 11!"

5.

"Rise and shine! The guy you've been hooking up with on and off for five years doesn't want to commit to you and never will! Have a great day!"

6.

"Hi there, it's Charles at reception. Your job as an admin assistant is admirable but you'll pretty much never be able to afford to own a home! Call down if you need anything!"

7.

"Good morning! Weather's looking nice today! And remember: Your inability to sustain any of your high school friendships really isn't going to bode well for you as you continue to age. A reminder that we offer yoga!"

8.

"Hi sunshine! What the actual hell is your diet! We've never had so many 4 am room service calls for steak tartare in the 53 years we've been operating. It's called 'a vegetable,' look it up sometime. Check out our gift shop on Level 2!"

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