Comedy·THIS ISN'T OVER

We will never rest until we know how you enjoyed your stay at the Best Western Plus Durham

We want to understand if we met your expectations. We also want to understand why you’re ignoring us.
(Shutterstock / Toranico)

Dear valued customer,

Thank you for your recent three-night stay at the Best Western Plus Durham. We are committed to improving our accommodations and services, which is why we send out a short survey to all our guests.

Or, in your case, we send it three times.

We want to understand if we met your expectations. We also want to understand why you're ignoring us.

Do you think this is a joke?

This is not a joke.

God help us, we will find out how you enjoyed your stay at the Best Western Plus.

We hope that you will take just a few moments to tell us about your stay. We understand that you're busy, sooo busy, and that five minutes for a big shot like you is a lot to ask. But here we are, practically grovelling. Which, now that we think about it, is maybe what you wanted all along? Interesting. No, we're not mad. We actually just find that really interesting.

Five minutes. The survey takes five minutes.

How were the towels? Scratchy? Plush? Did you use the gym? Was the elliptical janky? It's a simple question. Just tell us if the elliptical was janky.

Look: we know the self-serve pancake machine wasn't working properly. That's something we have to work on about ourselves. Are we going to have to apologize for the rest of our lives about the pancake machine?

Maybe a good way to clear the air would be to, I don't know, fill out a goddamn survey?

At Best Western, we know you have many choices when it comes to your hotel accommodations, and we hope that you will choose us again in the future. And if you don't choose to stay with us again, we understand. Just please promise us you won't stay at a Hampton Inn.

Ramada, Holiday Inn, Marriott, go for it. We even understand the dirty thrill of an Econo Lodge fling. But the thought of you at a Hampton Inn is too much to bear. If you think our pancake machine was bad wait until you try and use that excuse for a waffle iron they have over there.

At Best Western, we are committed to providing our guests the highest level of satisfaction for an exceptional value. But apparently we need to add "Reading Minds" to our amenities, because some people can't be bothered to click a number between one and 10 and END THIS. So we'll do that. We'll start reading minds.

From all of us at Best Western, let us say:

This isn't over.

Gary Dartmouth

VP, Guest Relations  

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Beer is a Toronto-based comedian, actor and writer.