Kids' songs edited to prepare them for the real world

Listen up, punks: this here world of ours is hard, unfair, and complicated. We're not doing kids any favours by teaching them sugary sweet songs about everything working out nicely. If we're going to sing to them about baby beluga whales, let's make sure we mention the horrors of captivity and the fact that our oceans are choked with garbage!

Here are five other songs I have adjusted slightly to better prepare our children for what awaits them in adulthood:

If You're Happy And You Know It

If you're happy and you know it, it won't last!

If you're happy and you know it, it won't last!

If you're happy and you know it

you will find a way to blow it

If you're happy and you know it, it won't last!

[CLAP CLAP]

The Hokey Pokey

You put your whole self in! You put your whole self out!

You take your fear of commitment, and you shake it all about!

You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around!

That's a bullshit way to live!

[CLAP!]

Hush Little Baby

Hush little baby, don't say a word

Your opinion doesn't always need to be heard

If Twitter tempts you to be a dick

Mama's gonna mute you nice and quick

The Farmer in the Dell

The farmer in the dell! The farmer in the dell!

Hi ho the derry oh

The farmer in the dell!

The farmer takes a wife! The farmer takes a wife!

Women have agency! The farmer gets a life!

The Eensy Weensy Spider

The eensy weensy spider still will freak you out

Lea-earn to kill it, though you're plagued with doubt!

Pull it together, stop making that sound

Do a shot of vodka, smash him in the ground

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