How to be more interesting online when CSIS is spying on you

In this technologically advanced modern age, you never know who's watching your every move online. I'd like to tell you how to make the most of it.

Hey, I wish it weren't so. I long for the days when our lives were our own, when the only one who knew every website you visited was you, and maybe your mom. I absolutely wish the intelligence agencies of the world weren't watching every click, keystroke, and e-transfer on an internet that is quickly becoming a non-neutral dystopia.

But I also say: if you can't beat 'em, impress 'em!

As long as you've got the national intelligence services—and lord knows who else—watching your every move online, there are plenty of ways to catch their attention with more than just your most frequent contacts, financial transactions, and locations visited (yawn).

Not sure where to start? As a simple intro to charming your local deep-state officer, why not visit the Wikipedia page for CSIS? Not in a threatening way, just in a "You're displaying interest in me, and I'll return the favour!" sort of way. It will feel good for them, and that should feel good for you.

After all, the person tracking you is a person, just like you or me (unless it's an extremely sophisticated bot constantly and passively logging information, which is also definitely occurring). Like anyone else, this person would love to be entertained a little bit at work, and they can't get the usual radio stations through the dense walls that allow them not to be followed whilst following you (they love irony).

Maybe just watch some fun videos—Gangnam Style or Charlie Bit My Finger never fail to entertain, even after all this time, and guess what? Ironically, YouTube is blocked at their work, lest they become distracted from focusing on you and only you.

Or how about that Space Jam webpage? If you didn't know, the promotional website for the movie has been up since 1996. The CSIS employee is probably as nostalgic for those days you are! Visit the page, click through for a while, let them see what Bugs, Mike, and the gang are up to.

Of course it can't only be fun and games. Since they're going to be monitoring your financial records anyway, why not make some interesting purchases in between the mundane bill payments for those long stretches when they're just paying obsessive attention to your numbers. Maybe even just a fun film like Office Space. Yes, you already own it, but you probably bought it years ago, before the improving internet and our societal collapse allowed them to ramp up their monitoring, so they probably think you're some non–Office Space owning goof! Remedy that ASAP for CSIS, SVP.

And lest they think you're a stodgy pop-culture fan stuck in the '90s, screen a few things that are hot right now. All the latest trailers are available in HD on the same internet that's allowing them to make your life a Kafka story. If you hurry, you can show them The Last Jedi before it hits theatres!

As you can see, there are many simple ways to quickly ramp up your online "cool points" for whichever outfit is closely tracking your cyber-moves. Happy surfing and remember: don't relax for even a second!

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