Trump announces he has outsourced FBI job search to prestigious organization 'Craig's List'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Though it's been a rough couple of weeks for Donald Trump's administration, he thinks he knows just the way to turn things around.

After his recent abrupt dismissal of FBI Director James Comey, Trump says he went looking for the right place to find his replacement, and he thinks he's found it from a very powerful man named Craig and his extensive online list.

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"I'm a man with a lot of connections," said Trump in a press conference today. "And it's — I mean honestly, it's actually astounding. A lot of contacts."

"I have a lot of connections in New York and of course all over the world, Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Hollywood — these are places I know, and I actually know astounding amount of important people in them if you want to know the truth," said Trump.

However, he says his current local connections may be wanting.

"Washington, D.C. is a little different because I've never played those political games, and that actually says tremendous things about me. Really good things. I've never sucked up to the establishment. But now I've hit on this guy Craig, he's online, he does a lot of cyber stuff I believe, and he's going to find me the right man for the job."

However, Trump didn't limit himself in the ways that a traditional Beltway businessperson might.

"There's a 'Jobs' section. Yeah, that's obvious. Everybody, and I mean everybody, is going to be posting their jobs there. You get lost in the shuffle. Not for me."

He's sending me emails constantly.- President Trump

When asked what he had done instead, then, Trump was exasperated.

"What did I say I was looking for? Connections, right? That's what I'm missing. Well Craig has a whole department devoted to that, to missed connections. He's looking into it for me. He's on top of it. Big things will be happening soon. They're already happening."

"He's sending me emails constantly."

At press time, Trump asked his aides whether he could get Kijiji, clearly a foreign upstart competitor of Mr. List, shut down.

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