OFFICE MEMO: It's Secret Santa time again at CSIS
To: All staff
From: Eric Forrester, CSIS Admin Assistant
Subject: Secret Santa
Date: Tuesday, November 13, 2017 3:33 pm
Hi all,
This AM at approximately 0900 hours, our Seasonal Intelligence Gathering Arm brought an unsettling development to my attention. We have ample evidence to suggest that the target – Christmas – is positioned "around the corner". I'd ask everyone to remain calm. We have faced similar situations in years past. Please note that as per item 58-J subsection 9 of our security protocol, the only logical response to the approaching target is for all staff to once again engage in a Secret Santa gift exchange, henceforth referred to as "PRIVATE NICHOLAS 17".
Tonight at approximately 23:15, an unnamed source will leak to each CSIS staff member via email the highly classified name of your assigned human asset, AKA a fellow staff member. DO NOT SHARE THIS INFORMATION. As a security precaution, the name of your personal target will be written in code – all vowels in the name will be replaced with the word "FOXTROT". All consonants in the name will be replaced with the word "FOXTROT".
Upon receiving the name of your human asset, you are instructed to purchase a SMALL YET MEANINGFUL PRIVATE NICHOLAS 17 GIFT (SYMPN17G) for said person. We have arranged a rolling-car pickup for each of you tomorrow followed by a drop-off at the mall, and then a second rolling-car pickup that will bring you back to the office. Please be advised that with 320 agents on staff here at CSIS, tomorrow will be utter mayhem due to literally hundreds of rolling-car scenarios, all 320 of you simultaneously tumbling across hoods of moving unmarked vehicles, onto lawns, leaping out of doors, etc. Exercise caution.
Once PROCUREMENT OF SYMPN17G has been successfully completed, you are tasked with keeping your own identity confidential until the item has been discreetly handed over to the asset, shrouded in mystery. By "shrouded in mystery" I mean "wrapped in some sparkly red shit". The hand-off will take place at 0600 hours on the eve of PRIVATE NICHOLAS 17. Until then, you may store your item in an abandoned warehouse 679 kilometres from HQ. Thanks to our innovative laser technology, a map to said warehouse will be imprinted directly onto your irises tonight as you sleep.
Please, no exploding gadgets as gifts this year. Got a little messy in the break room in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, and 16. Thx.
Looking forward,
EF
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