FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: We at Kraft Dinner are proud to announce our exclusive sponsorship of k.d. lang

Good morning! Or evening, depending when you are reading this. No matter what time of day, we hope you're enjoying a piping hot bowl of Kraft Dinner, though obviously the name does strongly imply a specific mealtime.

We here at the Kraft Foods Group, Inc., a subsidiary of the Kraft Heinz corporation, are proud to announce our sponsorship—effective immediately—of beloved Canadian singer k.d. lang. We are excited about this partnership, and believe it will be beneficial for both parties. The great taste of Kraft Dinner, and the great (musical) taste and song-craft of k.d. lang—what could make for a better team?

We understand that even with the best partnerships, there may be some hurdles to overcome early on. For example, Ms. lang prefers to spell her name in lowercase. We feel, however, that there's nothing "lowercase" about the great combination of powdered cheese, milk, and of course, dried elbow macaroni. We have respected her capitalization choices in this press release, but going forward may be a different story.

Also, k.d. has reportedly never before eaten K.D. In an interview with Vanity Fair, in fact, she once specifically revealed that she has exclusively been a President's Choice Macaroni & Cheese consumer all her adult life.

Still, we think she'll come around, once we let her know about all the benefits of Kraft Dinner.

And once she hears all about this great new team.

Okay, we've been dancing around this a bit, but it seems time to come right out and say it:

k.d. lang does not yet know about our exclusive sponsorship of her, her music, or her upcoming tour, the K.D. Meets k.d. Musical Macaroni Madness Extravaganza, a tour the existence of which she is probably also not familiar with.

If she did, it's entirely possible she would not accept the sponsorship.

But what's to accept or not accept? We're not even offering her money! We're just saying, "k.d., we here at K.D. approve of you! We like you! We're a bunch of cheesy noodles and what's wrong with that?!"

Nothing, is the answer. Absolutely nothing.

In fact, it's entirely possible the k.d. in k.d. lang's name stands for Kraft Dinner! It would be unlikely, but as long as we refuse to look it up, it remains an open possibility. As does the possibility that Ms. lang's 1992 hit Constant Craving refers to a consistent yearning to consume our product. Again, yes, very unlikely.

But nothing's impossible when Kraft Dinner combines with k.d. lang.

That's okay, right? That's worth a press release.

Alright, a little more full disclosure:

We were looking at new sponsorship opportunities at the quarterly meeting today, and Jennica in accounting said, "What about k.d. lang? K.D. and k.d., together at last!"

We all laughed and moved on with the meeting, but then a few minutes later someone said, "Actually, that k.d. and K.D. thing was sort of a good idea!"

Five minutes later, we'd moved past "good idea" to "pure genius," and resolved to put out a press release immediately before we'd even managed to reach the songstress's management by phone.

We hope that you appreciate this delightful new combination, and we hope that she does too. In the meantime, please enjoy one of k.d.'s many wonderful albums, along with a piping bowl of Kraft Dinner, which, again, you should feel free to do any time of day—we did not realize until writing this just how strongly the product's name suggests that you stick only to the evening.

Sincerely,

The Kraft Foods Group, Inc., and Jennica (and hopefully k.d. lang)

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