Surgeon-General takes official stance against ketchup on Kraft Dinner

LEAMINGTON, ON—Lovers of tomato-doused cheesy tubes are reeling today after the Surgeon-General of Canada, Hugh Colin McKay, announced that it is the official position of the Surgeon-General and of the Canadian government that Kraft Dinner without ketchup is simply better than Kraft Dinner with ketchup, and is likely to always remain so.

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"First of all, it is my understanding that this is supposed to be pasta," the Surgeon-General wrote in a surprisingly emotional missive released to all news outlets and cabinet members in the wee hours of the morning. "Am I wrong, here? That's my understanding. Does one put ketchup on pasta? Does one prepare a nice lasagna and then squirt it full of sugary Heinz? No, I don't remember ever being taught that was okay either."

"Furthermore," said McKay, "this is not the only choice that Canadians must make when it comes to one's KD. I do not want them getting bogged down in a series of complicated decisions, and so I am attempting, in my position as Surgeon-General, to simplify this one area for them. Moreover, one wrong choice will invariably affect other choices. Making the wrong decision (namely, to add ketchup) may seem harmless at first, but can set into motion a chain reaction that can and will quickly get out of control."

But we never told you that you can add ketchup.- Surgeon-General Hugh Colin McKay

"This is because another notable divide between the people of Canada lies in the decision whether to make one's bowl 'soupy' or 'non-soupy'," wrote McKay. "This is a state brought about by the relative amount of milk one adds to the KD. I take no strong stand on this question: milk is mentioned on the side of the box. It is a standard part of the preparation. Who am I — nay, who is anyone — to tell you how much milk you can put in, when we've already told you that you can add milk?"

"But we never told you that you can add ketchup."

"Ketchup added to an already 'soupy' mixture can quickly turn a satisfying bowl of Kraft Dinner, a good bowl of Kraft Dinner, into some sort of mediocre or even bad tomato soup. I do not believe this is in the best interests of any Canadian. This is pasta. This is, at the very least, Kraft Dinner. This is not tomato soup, and I will never allow it to be," he wrote.

"You are still, of course, free to choose," McKay continued. "I believe very strongly in the freedom of all Canadians to make their own choices. I'm not going to come to your house and yank the ketchup bottle out of your hand."

"But if I was at your house, you had better damn well believe I would," he concluded.

At press time, in response to a question from this reporter regarding whether ketchup could be added to Easy Mac, the Surgeon-General said, "If you're old enough to be asking me that question, you're far too old to be eating Easy Mac."

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