If you hear a Sarah McLachlan song, you are now legally required to break up with nearest 14-year-old boy

NATIONWIDE—Ottawa has announced new federal legislation this week that lawmakers are hoping will preserve the singular purpose and legacy of Canadian singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan: to provide heartbreaking background music while you tearfully initiate an excruciating breakup with a confused adolescent male.

The new law states that should any Canadian citizen happen to hear a Sarah McLachlan song anywhere at any time, be it in a Rexall, an elevator, a Starbucks, or the slightly smaller Starbucks inside the bathroom of that first Starbucks, you are legally obligated to turn to the nearest 14-year-old boy and tearfully break up with him.

Last night, 14-year-old Ronan Evans became Canada's first teen to experience the new law firsthand.

"I was in the like, pet store with my dad, getting some catnip toys for Cat Damon," Evans told a reporter. "This song came on about an angel with arms or something. It was a sad lady who was singing it and she was like so sad."

Evans goes on to describe his harrowing ordeal, which began when he noticed a middle-aged woman standing in line at the checkout counter, waiting to pay for a ferret Halloween costume of a slightly different ferret.

Upon hearing Sarah McLachlan's Angel come over the pet store's stereo system, the woman in question, Victoria Lamont, sighed for ten minutes, put down her ferret-based purchases, and walked somberly over to where Evans was standing.

"You're a really nice guy," she began, her voice cracking through her tears. "You always let me hold the popcorn and you waited for me for like 20 whole minutes that time I went into La Senza with Britney and Katie L. and Katie J."

"Um, okay?" Evans smirked, before suddenly becoming completely overtaken by the unbearable sadness of the song. "Wait," he added, welling up. "Are—are we okay?"

"I don't think we are, Ronan," Lamont whispered. "I don't think we are."

With that, Lamont slowly removed the Fimo bead necklace from around her neck and pressed it into Evans' palm.

"I didn't give you this, or make it for you," Evans said, now sobbing outright.

"JUST TAKE IT," Lamont wailed. "JUST TAKE IT BACK."

Legislators explain that the penalty for failing to break up with the nearest 14-year-old boy during a Sarah McLachlan song will be swift and severe: a free Chumbawamba CD mailed to the perpetrator's home address.

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