Feral prime minister stalks countryside in search of weddings to ruin

POWELL RIVER, BC—The RCMP is warning soon-to-be-wed couples and their loved ones to be on the lookout for a mysterious threat stalking the Canadian outdoors: a feral, out-of-control prime minister, prowling the countryside in an endless search for weddings and wedding-related photo shoots to interrupt, interfere with and otherwise ruin. 

Local legend maintains that by day, the prime minister is merely a man, giving speeches and presiding over cabinet meetings as would any man.

By Saturday and Sunday and during the summer, however, an insane lust for wedding disruption takes him, and he bursts out of his shirt and runs into the woods, prowling the shores and forests of remote Canadian regions, his cursed heart consumed by an irresistible need to photobomb.

Authorities are advising couples to get married in major urban centres whenever possible.

"Stay away from the water, and really any beach in general, and don't wander out near the tree line," cautioned RCMP Staff Sergeant Mike Dodd.

"He's out there. We don't know where, but he's out there. And his singular drive to eff up your special day is insatiable."

Dodd says the RCMP is employing every measure they're authorized to use against celebrity wedding-ruiners: "We've set up a number of what we call 'dartgun weddings', which are a kind of trap where we stage a fake wedding but all the guests are rangers with tranquilizer guns, and the altar is kind of delicately set up over a pit," explained Dodd.

"That's how we caught Bill Murray in 2015."

If you and your spouse are accosted by this wandering menace, do not attempt to confront or drive away the prime minister; simply continue to take pictures, act like it's a big deal that he's there, and upload the photos until they've gone viral enough to slake his unholy thirst – at which point he should transform back into a statesman and wander away into the woods, at least for the time being.

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