Every thought you have during turbulence

Nothing reminds us of our own human frailty and inevitable mortality quite like suddenly dropping a few thousand feet while hurtling toward a faraway destination in the belly of an airplane.

Show me a living being who isn't deeply afraid of turbulence, and I'll show you that you're referencing a fictional character from a manuscript because no such being exists in real life, are you freaking kidding? The following is a compilation of every thought we all have during turbulence, so don't even with the whole "it's just a regular part of air travel." We all know the truth.

- No big deal, just a little bump in the road! OH WAIT THERE'S NO ROAD JUST THOUSANDS OF FEET OF AIR.

- Are the flight attendants panicking? No. That's a good sign….unless they've made so much peace with the way they've lived their lives that they're showing no emotion now.

- I knew it! I knew I was dying tonight.

- Is anyone on this plane worth kissing as a distraction from our inevitable demise?

- If I survive this, I am going to start working out. I am going to get so ripped that my arms will need two full sleeves of tattoos to make my muscles subtler. And the tattoos will be of me eating an airplane. And then I own the skies, damnit. I OWN THE SKIES.

- The ground is so great. Really, an underrated surface. I never show it what it means to me. I never appreciate it. I gotta change that. Ground, if you're listening to me, I'm gonna change. I'm gonna be better to you when I'm on you.

- Do my cats know I love them?

- WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ALL THE CHEESE PLATTERS RIGHT NOW? ARE THEY LEVITATING?

- It's a bit unreasonable to have to fly 39 000 ft in the air, when the tallest building in the world is only 2722 ft tall. A cruising altitude of 3000 ft would be way more reasonable. Oh no wait, that would still be TOO HIGH TO SURVIVE.

- When this plane lands, I am starting a new career. Clearly this is a test meant to shake me out of my complacent life choices.

- What even is turbulence?

- I did not know I could grip an armrest so tight. I wonder how many people have gripped this same arm rest in turbulent fear? Kind of a nice thought; we're all connected by rough, choppy air.

- Is this where Cotton Eye Joe came from? Is this where he went?

- I'm fine. I'm fully fine. There are many other ways I'm more likely to perish. So why do I feel so vulnerable, as though I am merely a loose worm in the stomach of a ruthless metal bird? I suppose because I AM THAT.

- I used to think this sort of thing was fun. I was such a naive fool.

- She's got electric books. A plane that shook. And she's buckled right into her seeeeeeeeaaatttt, oh whoaaaa. B-B-B-Bennie and the Jet.

- Trains are underrated.

- Shangela was robbed.

In conclusion, enjoy your next flight.

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