5 times I told my accountant 'Absolutely!' when I meant 'What in hell are the words emerging from your mouth?'

I live in an era of President Trump, irreversible climate change, casual and constant nuclear threat, and the expression "all the feels," but nothing – NOT A SINGLE THING – strikes fear into the depths of my heart like when my accountant Ivan opens his mouth to speak words to me. And now that it's tax season, he's doing it more than ever.

I have to believe Ivan began life as a sweet, fun-loving kid, just as I did. But somewhere along the way, our paths diverged so violently and irreversibly that here he is today, an Inexplicable Number Martian in a tie who uses verbs like "amortize" and nouns like "capital gains," whereas I use verbs like "help" and nouns like "terror." I am a reasonably intelligent and educated person capable of understanding the speech of every person I encounter in a day. EXCEPT FOR IVAN.

Before I try for the 77th time to read the Wikipedia page for "stock market" before abandoning it after ten words due to a medically hazardous level of boredom and baking muffins instead, here are five times Ivan spoke finance to me and made me too ashamed to admit I had zero idea what he was saying.

1. The time he pulled up a bunch of squiggly graphs on his screen and casually traced their trajectory with his pen

"So you can see a bit of a pattern here," he began as I felt the blood instantly drain from my body, every one of my cells paralyzed with abject panic. "Oh, yeah!!" I managed to exclaim as he then used his pen to trace a small, repetitive circle in the air around this one part of the graph where the line spikes in this dramatic way. "Crazy!!!" I added, because it seemed there was a good chance that spike represented something crazy. "It really is," he confirmed soberly. Phew. Nailed it. I won six Oscars that day.

2. "Let's talk about how you want to diversify your portfolio given the current volatility of the markets"

"Definitely!!!!" I yelled so loud that it registered on the Richter scale in Kuwait.

3. "So I'm sure you have a clear idea of your risk tolerance as well as your long-term goals vis-à-vis the performance of your investments."

I nodded so hard I fractured my neck. When I got to the ER and was asked how I had sustained this injury, I explained to the nurse that sometimes your idea of your risk tolerance and long-term financial goals is just so clear, like painfully clear, that it's unbearable? I told her that the day Ivan asked me this question felt like being unshackled after decades in a dark and hellish prison cell. I told her I'd been waiting my whole life for someone to liberate me in such a profound and sensual way.

4. "See, this way, you won't get taxed on the interest you accrue."

"MONEY IS A MADE-UP THING," I yearned to shriek directly into his face. "IT'S NICE COLOURFUL PAPER AND WE DECIDED IF YOU GIVE SOMEONE SOME OF THE PAPER THEY HAVE TO GIVE YOU COOL STUFF THAT TEMPORARILY DISTRACTS YOU FROM YOUR OWN MORTALITY." Instead, I replied, "Right, yes, I definitely wouldn't want to be accrued on my tax thing."

"Who would?!" he chuckled heartily.

5. "Have you given some thought to whether you want to set up automatic contributions to your RRSP?"

"I think of little else," I whispered, hoping that Ivan would drop the goddamn act for five seconds, become temporarily human, and that maybe we could bond over my hilarious little joke. Instead, he looked at me dead seriously and replied, "Good." Where I come from, that's not good at all. That's a psychological disorder. Anyway. Moving on.

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