5 stock responses to 'Sooooo, do you two ever think about getting married?'

Hey! Enough! You two have had your fun! And according to the many anxious people around you who need their own life choices validated, it's time to lock it down! Sometimes it's your drunk aunt cornering you at a wedding and demanding to hear your five-year plan with the guy you've been seeing for exactly two hours. Other times, a random dad pops out of the pineapple display at Loblaws to tell you that by the time he was your age, he'd been married for 72 years! Wherever the intervention takes place, it's awkward and horrible. Put a stop to it with one of these handy stock responses.

1.

"It's unclear at this time whether we like each other enough"

Can't go wrong with honesty! This response is best delivered with your significant other by your side as the two of you field the awful question together. Lovingly gaze into his eyes as you verbally express your profound ambivalence about your compatibility! To cap it off, kiss him on the cheek and whisper "We'll see!" Remember, the goal here is to make the question-asker as uncomfortable as possible.

2.

"Our wedding is all set for April 90th"

Most people will flip out so instantly upon hearing the word "wedding" that they'll fail to notice you've gone ahead and invented a date that defies the laws of time and space. Who cares! Now you can bullshit your way through the next twenty minutes and invent the craziest wedding details in all of human history: "Instead of walking down the aisle, Chet is going to glide in on white Rollerblades, and instead of rings we're going to smack each other in the neck at the same time, lovingly, but fairly hard!"

3.

"Dunno! Do you and Ron ever think about doin' it in the shower?"

Hey! If we're all suddenly cool with weirdly invasive questions from distant relatives at bridal showers, let's make that a two-way street! Fun variations on this question include: "Tell me that one thing you've been putting off seeing a doctor about" and "What did you make last year?" The more unexpectedly personal, the better!

4.

"No"

Simple, to-the-point, and offering zero elaboration, this response is best delivered with a completely neutral tone of voice and facial expression. Don't be too cheerful or too angry or too tortured about it — aim for the same kind of indifference you'd express to a 17-year-old grocery store cashier who just asked if you wanted a receipt for your single potato. Then stare firmly ahead for forty minutes, either at the wall just above the asker's eyes, or directly into his or her soul as you mouth-breathe at a deafening volume.

5.

"We'd have to run it past the other four"

It's not every day you get the chance to casually let slip to your sister's friend's mom that you're in some unwieldy polyamorous arrangement featuring a truly staggering number of people. How does marriage even work when you're romantically entangled with five other people at once?? Our governments haven't really figured that one out yet, and feel free to rant about this loudly and at length until the question-asker shuffles slowly and awkwardly into the bathroom at the party, locks the door, and never comes out.

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