Emergency template for every bridesmaid's speech ever

Good evening/afternoon, everyone.

As many of you know, I am [NAME/RELATION TO BRIDE] – or as [BRIDE'S NAME]'s might call me, [HILARIOUS NICKNAME REFERRING TO INSIDE JOKE NO ONE IN ROOM ASIDE FROM BRIDE WILL UNDERSTAND]

[LAUGH BRIEFLY HERE. STOP. SMILE IN WRY, CHARMING MANNER]

[BRIDE'S NAME] and I first met way back when [HILARIOUSLY DATED POP CULTURE REFERENCE MEANT TO DEMONSTRATE THAT RELATIONSHIP OCCUPIES LARGE AMOUNT OF TIME]

Since then, we've been through sooooo much together. From [THING YOU TEND TO DO TOGETHER] to [OTHER THING YOU TEND TO DO TOGETHER], from [PHYSICAL LOCATION YOU ONCE WENT TO] to [OTHER PHYSICAL LOCATION YOU ONCE WENT TO], I truly can't imagine my life without you. You are my sister, my best friend, my chosen family.

[GROW EMOTIONAL NOW. NOT A WEIRD AMOUNT. JUST A BIT]

[APOLOGIZE]

[APOLOGIZE AGAIN, LAUGHING THIS TIME]

[SAY THE SENTENCE "OKAY. I CAN DO THIS!"]

[TAKE BREATH]

But the story doesn't end there!!!

When I first met [GROOM'S NAME], I was like [EXPRESSION OF CONFUSION/DISGUST/HATRED]. I mean, who is this guy who walks around in [EMBARRASSINGLY DATED ITEM OF CLOTHING] and listens to [EMBARRASSINGLY DATED BAND] on his [EMBARRASSINGLY DATED MUSIC-PLAYING TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE].

[PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER BECAUSE THE SIMPLE PASSAGE OF TIME HAS RESULTED IN THIS SERIES OF HILARIOUS BURNS FOR THE GROOM]

[LOOK AT GROOM – HE IS SO EMBARRASSED!!!! WINK LOVINGLY AT GROOM]

But seriously, [GROOM'S NAME]. When I see the way you look at [BRIDE'S NAME], it gives me hope for the rest of us. Believe me, I've known every single one of [BRIDE'S NAME]'s boyfriends, and we are so, so thankful you came along.

[PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER AT SHITTY CHOICES BRIDE MADE WHEN YOUNG!!]

I can't believe that finally, at long last, here we are celebrating your wedding day. I am so honoured to be standing beside you both today.

[GROW EMOTIONAL NOW]

[LONG SILENCE TO SIGNAL IMMINENT TRANSITION INTO PROFOUND GRAVITAS]

As [SINGER/SONGWRITER YOU DON'T LISTEN TO OR POET YOU'VE NEVER READ] once said, [LYRIC OR QUOTE ABOUT LOVE].

When I look at you two, I see [THING THAT CLEVERLY RELATES BACK TO LYRIC OR QUOTE]

If you could now all join me in raising your glass to [BRIDE'S NAME] and [GROOM'S NAME].

I am so happy for you guys. I love you both so much

[STRUGGLE TO FINISH SENTENCE DUE TO WEEPING]

…and I wish you so much happiness together until the end of your days.

[WIPE EYES]

[APOLOGIZE 17.4 TIMES]

[SUPER-QUICK, CHARMING EXPRESSION OF GRATITUDE FOR WATERPROOF MASCARA!]

Oh, and one more thing: [GROOM'S NAME], if I ever catch you [CALLBACK TO EMBARASSING THING FROM EARLIER], I swear to God!!!!

[PAUSE FOR HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

To [BRIDE'S NAME] and [GROOM'S NAME]!!!!!

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