Post-modern bride takes husband's first name

ORILLIA, ON—The Allans Stinson and Calderone are going to be very happy together, even if everyone around them will remain eternally, brutally confused.

In a refreshing, post-modern twist on the long-standing patriarchal tradition, last weekend, Allan Calderone (née Rebecca Calderone) became the world's first bride to legally take her husband's first name as her own.

"As a society, we have to keep progressing," Calderone explained from the passport office, where she's been waiting for 29 hours due to the fact that officials have no paperwork in place for the name change she's requested. "My mom's generation took their husband's last names. Ugh, what was up with that? And then my friends mostly kept their names. So when I got married, I felt a real duty to ask myself, well, what's the next step here? How can we turn this thing on its head?"

The newlywed Allans appear to be in total agreement about the profound statement they're making with their unconventional choice. Calderone says that changing her first name from Rebecca to Allan is "a rejection of dominant narrative structures and a deconstruction of acceptable social mores as they relate to the subjugation of female identity," whereas her new husband Allan Stinson describes the decision as "weird, but whatevs."

The Allans admit that their first week of marriage has been a bit of a logistical nightmare as they attempt to integrate the name change into their work lives and social circle.

When husband Allan Stinson returned this week to his job at the reptile-grooming emporium after the wedding, he immediately launched into a long, gushy monologue about his new wife that left his coworkers both confused and concerned about his mental health.

"Allan is just fantastic," he began dreamily. "Smart, sexy, hilarious, compassionate, really listens to me when I talk – GOD, how lucky am I???"

Assistant iguana masseuse Trevor Dunn recounts the uneasy experience.

"Allan just went on and on about how he knew right from the beginning that Allan was the one. Like, he even got teary as he talked about it. Which is great? I guess? It's good to have that kind of self-confidence? But at the very least, he's gotta stop with that whole third-person thing. What's with that? God, it's annoying. Has he always done that?? It feels new this week. I hate it."

Stinson concluded his passionate outburst by exclaiming to his colleagues that "they really need to meet Allan sometime. You guys are going to love Allan."

At press time, Calderone was informing a deeply confused man who'd called their house and had asked to speak to Allan, "you are never not speaking to Allan."

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