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Comedy·WEDDINGS

Bride shocked to discover bridesmaids just a group of sentient mason jars

Come wedding day, many couples realize they’ve missed a thing or two. One blushing bride was surprised to discover last weekend that her entire bridal party was just a group of sentient mason jars.
Allana Reoch · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / benjarnak)

PRINCE EDWARD COUNTY, ON—With the commencement of wedding season comes earnest attempts to plan picture perfect weddings, and brides everywhere are overwhelmed by the myriad details involved in pulling off a flawless day.

Come wedding day, many couples are bound to realize they've missed a thing or two. Such was the case for one blushing bride, who was surprised to discover last weekend that her entire bridal party was just a group of sentient mason jars.

"I wanted my ceremony to be completely original and really represent who I am and what I value: everything that I pinned to my Pinterest board," recalls Marissa Clemmons, 28. "We hung vintage twinkle lights in an upcycled barnspace with reclaimed wood interiors. It was actually so adorbs. Well, until..."

Clemmons is just one of many women who will make the discovery this season that their bridal parties are nothing more than a collection of trendy inanimate objects.

"Right after the toast," Clemmons recalls, crying, "Becky tripped after having a few too many white wine spritzers and she just… shattered. It was then I realized that my squad was — oh, god — just a bunch of really nice jars."

"It's not the first time this has happened," explains wedding planner Yasmine Nailor. "Getting married involves an attention to detail that many people just don't possess. You're preoccupied by spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to make this the most special day for yourself — who can really be expected to think about anyone else, especially bridesmaids? They're hardly people even when they're actual people."

"After Becky shattered, it was only a few moments before I realized Belinda was housing a succulent terrarium and Veronica was filled with overnight oats," Clemmons recounts, tearing up again.

Though traumatized by the revelation, Clemmons vows to move forward with a positive message for any bride who may find herself in a similar situation:

"Just think about all the cute things you can do with jars."

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Allana Reoch

Allana is currently performing with the Mainstage cast for The Second City’s 80th revue, Party Today, Panic Tomorrow. She is a two-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee & past winner of the Tim Sims Encouragement Fund Award. Most recently, her credits include writing for Comedy Network’s THE BEAVERTON, on which she also plays Beauty Expert, Amber. Her solo characters were featured in both the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival and Montreal Sketch Comedy Festival’s Best of the Fest shows, and earned her a spot in JFL42’s New Faces Character showcase. She can be seen performing around Toronto with troupe, Panacea (Top 10 Comedy Shows of 2015, Now Magazine & Torontoist). Allana is a proud alumna of The Sketchersons. Yes we blam!