How to be a better LGBTQ ally
'There is no such thing as a silent ally'
It's Pride Month in Canada — colourful pride flags are flying, drag events are popping up and parades are being planned.
If you're not part of the LGBTQ community, you can be an ally. But what does that really mean?
CBC News asked Lucky Fusca, board chair of Pride P.E.I. and the executive director of the P.E.I. Transgender Network (pronouns are they/them), and Scott Alan from PEERS Alliance, a harm reduction and education group (formerly AIDS P.E.I.). Both advocates' pronouns are they/them.
"There's really only two ways in this world: the way of love and the way of fear," Fusca said. "I think that's a super important thing to kind of keep in mind as we're talking about allyship."
Fusca said another important assumption to maintain is that "we're all doing the best that we can, and we can all do better" as allies.
"We are seeing an uptick in a lot of homophobia and especially transphobia," Alan said, so allies are more important than ever, especially for queer youth.
1.) Listen with loving ears
"Listen with loving ears," said Fusca. "When it comes to being an ally, to come into it knowing we can still feel fear and still hold love and approach it with love, then we can listen with open ears, we can listen and be open to feeling uncomfortable and work through that."
Parents of children who are coming out as queer, for instance, can simply tell that child "I love you" and not qualify it by saying, "I love you anyway."
PEERS Alliance has support groups for Island parents of queer kids and can help with how to listen supportively, Fusca said.
Recognize the difference between sympathy and empathy, Alan said — LGBTQ folk don't need your pity and judgment, they need you to understand and share their feelings. Try to practice radical empathy, they said.
"Radical empathy is actively striving to better understand and share the feelings of others," Alan said, while acknowledging this takes a lot of sometimes uncomfortable work.
2.) Get educated
Fusca encourages allies to self-educate, to reduce that burden on LGBTQ community members.
They said PEERS Alliance, the P.E.I. Transgender Network and Pride P.E.I. all have educational resources: check out their websites and Facebook pages.
Vet your sources for information on LGBTQ issues, Fusca added — there's lots of misinformation out there.
For workplaces that want to be diverse and include the LGBTQ community, Fusca suggests hiring Beyond the Brim Consulting which offers diversity, equity and inclusiveness training.
3.) Rise up
Stand up for queer people who are being aggressed against in person or online, Fusca said.
"Take that brave step to intervene in that moment," they said, noting it can be tricky to not make the situation worse.
If someone is being harassed in person, don't confront the aggressor, but rather pretend you know the victim and take them aside, removing them to a safe space.
4.) Speak up
If you're in a social situation like a family gathering or a party, speak up if you hear homophobic or transphobic remarks or jokes. Tell the person it's inappropriate and unkind, and if they seem open to it, give them resources to get more insight.
"Understanding is the cure for fear," Fusca said. "The more you get to know the [LGBTQ] community I think the more those fear lines start to blur and fade away, and that really does make room for love."
The goal is to create a safe space for your [LGBTQ] friends and family.— Scott Alan
Fusca suggests if you know you're going to encounter someone who is homophobic or transphobic, go prepared.
"Have almost a scripted sense of what to say, because these conversations can get overwhelming, especially when you aren't feeling like somebody is willing to hear you out," Fusca said.
"There is no such thing as a silent ally," said Alan. "Visibility matters." Call out homophobic and transphobic comments online, and publicly express your support and pride in your queer friends rather than sending them a private message.
Another way to speak up, said Alan, is to simply insert queer and trans lives into conversation where they might not normally come up.
"That could be as easy as, Pride is coming up, so inviting your friends and family to come with you to show support," they said. "Showing your support is huge." Mentioning how lucky you were to go to a queer wedding or praising a queer athlete who has come out can show your allyship.
If someone is purposefully misgendering someone, speak up and correct them, Alan said.
"Let them know that it's hurtful and let them know it can do a lot of damage."
5.) Don't give up
While allies need to protect their own energy from aggression, good allies don't quit when things get hard, Fusca said.
"We recommend that you rest and regroup, rather than quitting and walking away," they said. "To quit and walk away is just another example of privilege, it's living privilege, and we really want to steer away from that."
It can be a delicate balancing act to not exhaust yourself if you are meeting resistance, they said, but remember the people you are standing up for often don't have the option to just walk away.
6.) Donate and invest
Contribute to fundraisers for local groups that support the LGBTQ community, Fusca said, or start your own. Or just simply donate. The groups will use the money for important programming for the community on P.E.I., they said.
7.) State your pronouns
One small way allies can help create a safe space for LGBTQ folks is to include pronouns when introducing yourself, either in an email or in person.
This can create an environment in which community members can feel comfortable giving their own pronouns.
8.) Question heteronormativity
Openly question and work against heteronormative practices such as gendered bathrooms, Alan said.
Use gender-neutral language: server rather than waiter or waitress, and flight attendant rather than stewardess/steward.
"The goal is to create a safe space for your [LGBTQ] friends and family," Alan said.
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