Looking for love in all the IRL places
Ottawa singles are dating like it's 1999, according to a sex and relationship coach
For every promising tale of found love over the interwebs, there's a giant battlefield riddled with romantic casualties.
And for many singles around Ottawa, occasional hits are no longer worth the emotional battle scars — and cost — of online and app-based dating.
Essentially, that's what brought Ellis Pederson to a battleground of a different kind: live action role-playing, also known as LARP. Ironically, it became the place where she ended up finding love.
"We build and construct these foam swords and we swing them at each other. There's spells, there's armour," she told Robyn Bresnahan on CBC's This is Ottawa podcast.
Listen to Ellis Pederson's full love story by clicking the link below:
Getting to that intimate place wasn't easy, said Pederson, who tried speed dating and other social sports before finding her match Francois L'Ecuyer.
"He would message me on Facebook and say, 'You did really great, I can tell you're improving,' and that encouragement gave me the courage to open up to him," she said.
Their story highlights one of the advantages of finding a match in real life (IRL), so long as you're gutsy enough to open the door and take that first step.
That's according to relationship coach and therapist Sue McGarvie, who blames the pandemic for near-epidemic levels of loneliness.
She also believes it started years before COVID-19 and places the blame on swipe-focused dating apps.
They're expensive, soul-crushing and accentuate looks over compatibility.- Sue McGarvie
"They're expensive, soul-crushing and accentuate looks over compatibility," she said.
The apps are also riddled with bots and scammers and that usually leads to prolonged disillusionment, said McGarvie, who is seeing a bump in relatively inexpensive and uplifting in-person gatherings.
"For men, [the dating scene] is a desert, and for women it's a swamp," she said.
The bombardment of unverified suitors has women on the defensive and many men avoid approaching people for fear of being perceived as creepy or aggressive.
So there's a re-education underway that McGarvie wants to turn into something she calls a "love bubble" over the city.
"Women need to absolutely make the first move in many ways, at least open the door … at least express an interest," she said.
All it takes is the suggestion of a future coffee date or even springing for "dating cards" to hand people you're interested in getting to know better, she said.
Social events such as concerts and game nights take the pressure off of one-on-one dates as well, added McGarvie, who hosted an 80-person Super Bowl party that doubled as a dating mixer for her chosen clientele: the over-40 set.
In-person dating requires some 're-education'
What is dating etiquette? What do you wear? How do you communicate?
Ask yourself what it is that will make you "datable" and then heed the research, said McGarvie.
For instance, if you're a woman who has determined she'll only date someone who's over six feet in height, and the average height of men in Canada is five-foot-ten, you're eliminating a whole lot of fish in an already limited sea of options.
Gatherings like McGarvie's over-40 social groups are expanding for people of all ages, interests and sexual orientations. Her goal is to create communities for people to identify with and join.
'It's just connecting egos and people are not really finding meaningful connections [with dating apps].- Raymond Samuels, Ottawa Singles Weekend
That's also the idea behind the non-profit Ottawa International Food and Book Expo, which has added a slow dating component.
It allows participants to really zero in on who and what they're looking for in a friend or partner and attend mixers that place them in the same "party."
50-plus? There's a group for that. Vegan and queer? There's a group for that, too. You're a Muslim foodie who wants to meet other Muslim foodies? You're covered, according to Raymond Samuels, who operates the expo as well as Ottawa Singles Weekend, April 27-28 at the Horticulture Building at Lansdowne Park.
"After the pandemic a lot of people in particular experienced a sense of social alienation, a sense of isolation and a lack of connection with other people. So the slow dating evolved as a part of our community ethic and bringing people together in an alternative way not currently being offered by other dating events and activities," Samuels said.
That level of "customization" is something you don't get when you're judging a photo and bio on an app, or given 90 seconds to sell yourself in a speed dating environment, he said.
"In my experience, online dating started off with a certain amount of sincerity, but in the more contemporary form has become increasingly superficial. Increasingly, there's much more scamming going on, so-called catfishing going on where you don't even know who you're talking to or if the person presenting themselves is authentic or not," said Samuels, who has organized dating events and meetups for about 10 years.
"It's just connecting egos, and people are not really finding meaningful connections."
His advice for people looking to ditch the online apps in favour of in-person activities: be yourself and get out there on your own terms.
Once you've selected a fun and safe activity that meshes with your interests and personality, be open to communicating where you're at with the people you meet, whether it's making lasting friendships or meeting a long-term partner.
Both McGarvie and Samuels suggest the more people you meet, the higher your chances at finding what it is — and who it is — you're looking for.
