Looking for a soulmate? It's a trap, researchers say

Yuan Thompson and her husband have been together since 2008, and while at first she believed they could be soulmates — they had that initial spark, anyway — she says it was dedication and tough work that made them a lasting couple.

"We definitely enjoyed each other when we first met. We had a super-fun summer, so we decided to stay in touch after that. But honestly, it took seven years of long-distance relationship and lots of hard work for us to eventually be together," Thompson, 38, told CBC News from Ottawa.

"We all have to come down to Earth and worry about boring stuff like laundry, weekly garbage collection, and once we had kids, it's even more chaos. All that requires hard work to sustain marriage."  

That's in line with a new report co-authored by a University of Alberta professor that says to find a meaningful, lasting relationship, people should stop looking for a soulmate. The report from Brigham Young University's Wheatley Institute notes that a preoccupation with finding "the one" actually hijacks a relationship's success.

"We're in such a consumer-minded culture these days that it's easy to fall into the notion of, well, 'Maybe somebody else is out there for me,' especially if things aren't happy every single day," co-author Adam Galovan, an associate professor and family scientist at the University of Alberta, told CBC News. "Soulmates are made, not found."

The report analyzes data from a 2021 study by Galovan published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy that interviewed 615 couples in the U.S. and Canada, and a 2022 follow-up study that delved into a subset of those couples' daily lives.

What the research shows, says Galovan, is that a meaningful connection takes effort, such as spending quality time together, being in the moment, accepting responsibility and practising gratitude.

The problem with soulmates

The allure of "the one" has existed for centuries. Greek philosopher Plato wrote that humans were split in two by Zeus and wandered the Earth searching for their other half. When they find each other, "the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy."

A 2021 YouGov poll of 15,000 people in the U.S. found that 60 per cent of them believed in soulmates. There are 3.1 million posts on TikTok using the soulmate tag. And if pop superstar Taylor Swift and Super Bowl champion Travis Kelce can be used as a relationship barometer, they are repeatedly referred to in the media and by fans as "soulmates."

Yet research has continuously shown that, whether or not they actually exist, believing in the concept of soulmates can be detrimental to relationships. 

"It subjects the relationship to very high expectations in terms of believing that there is one person out there who is a perfect match and who is supposed to fulfil all our needs. This person is expected to be a lover, partner, best friend, counsellor," said Rania Tfaily, an associate professor in sociology and anthropology at Carleton University in Ottawa.

"This often leads to disappointments." 

A widely cited study from 2007 correlated believing in soulmates with the expectation that your partner should be able to read your mind. A 2014 study from University of Toronto professor Spike Lee found that framing love as a "perfect unity" can hurt relationship satisfaction.

Soulmate theorists are happy, but only if they believe they've actually found the right person for them, Renae Franiuk, a psychology professor at Aurora University in Illinois and a pioneer of research into romantic dispositions, previously told CBC Radio's Tapestry.

"When a soulmate theorist believes they're with the right person, they tend to give their partner the benefit of the doubt," Franiuk said in 2019. "They exaggerate the good qualities of their partner and they downplay the bad qualities."

Creating soulmates

Everyone is born with the brain neuro-circuitry to see one person as more special and unique than anyone else, says Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University. Humans, like other animals, naturally have preferences for some people over others, he says.

"We have the capacity to create our soulmates," said Levine, who is also the co-author of the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

"It's not that they're waiting for us out there. Our brain makes them. We're all unique individuals, but our brains can pick someone out of the crowd and make them special — for us."

Levine says he can see how the perspective that a soulmate is already out there could be detrimental, noting that there isn't any one person out there who is perfect for us. 

"There are always pros and cons being with anyone. It's never a perfect match. Believing that there's somebody unique who will satisfy all our requirements and that everything will be perfect — that's just not realistic."

Gillian Friedman says she knows why her marriage of nearly 10 years has lasted, and it's not because her husband is necessarily her soulmate — it's the therapy. She and her husband each have their own therapist, and they see a couples therapist, too.

Their relationship moved quickly at the beginning, she said, and within three months of dating they were living together. They had their first child two years later. Therapy allows them to work through the stresses of juggling two kids as well as their jobs, and move forward together.

"I lucked out with someone who's open to putting in the work," said Friedman, 40, who lives in Harrowsmith, Ont.

"Soulmates makes it sound like everything will be easy."