WASHINGTON, DC—The Republican Party announced yesterday that their pro-life stance is so deeply passionate that they will de-fund Planned Parenthood, depriving low-income women of lifesaving healthcare such as screenings for cancer, HIV, STDs and other deadly diseases.

"We are committed to honouring the sanctity of life," explains Republican congressman Hugh Colby.

"Which is why we're taking active steps to get more women dying of cancer."

"They don't even need to die!" he explains.

"Even if they just really struggle for a long time with a brutal illness that limits their mobility and plunges them into depression and despair, that's another great example of the Republican Party's dedication to protecting and preserving life."

The GOP also confirmed yesterday that in cases of abortion, the male partners who caused the unwanted pregnancy will be taken to an all-inclusive resort in Bermuda for a week on the GOP's dime and assigned a personal masseuse and adult colouring book to help them recover from the stress.