WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congressman Ron Simons let out a sigh of relief and issued a delighted public statement today after an extensive fact-finding mission was able to fully confirm that the R-17 Hospital in Syria, which was accidentally demolished by a drone authorized by the congressman in three separate votes earlier this month, was not committing the mortal sin of performing any abortions at the time it was hit.

"When I heard that the hospital had been struck, I thought, 'Oh my god!' I didn't even know there was a hospital in that area. Hadn't looked too closely. So I thought, do you think they were performing abortions in there? I mean what do you think goes on there, in a hospital in a country like that? Could be anything, right? So this is all very good news to me. Oh except for the whole hospital-being-bombed thing, which is unfortunately completely out of our control."

Asked to add his comments on the matter, Simons' fellow member of congress John Alfson said that he, too, was soothed by the news.

"It's certainly a win. When it comes to hospitals, you just don't do something like that — perform abortions in it, I mean. All life is important, before conception. Every life is so, so important until the moment it is born. I cannot possibly stress that enough. You have to take care of life until the moment it exists. And then, you know, take a breather, yes."

"For instance, tomorrow's target is next to a school," he continued. "Middle school, I think? Though maybe they work differently over there, dunno.

And so that makes me think of that school, whatever sort it is. And I hope that in that school they're teaching them about the value and joy of abstinence. Because you need to know the consequences of being callous with human life! If you have created life, you cannot destroy it."

At press time, Simons was reportedly troubled after realizing there was more than one hospital in Syria.