NORTH AMERICA—A new intergovernmental report released this morning seeks to assure Americans and Canadians alike that the widespread rise of hate crimes across both countries is merely "locker room white supremacy" and should not be cause for alarm.

Alan Northcott, one of the lead authors of the report, elaborates:

"The fact that swastikas are popping up in New York and Ottawa, or that minorities are being screamed at and threatened on streetcars in Toronto, or that Latino kids are being taunted at school in Michigan by a roomful of their peers chanting 'Build that wall!' – these things are just harmless banter. People need to stop taking things so seriously."

Northcott says that the outrage many people are feeling in both countries is completely unwarranted and in fact serves to deflect people's attention from what actually matters.

"Ugh, these small instances of everyday white supremacy are just a distraction from the real issue, which is government-sanctioned white supremacy," he sighs.

Mainstream American media outlets are doing their part this week to downplay the threat of severe and institutionalized racism wherever possible.

Gareth Caplan, an editor at The Washington Post who recently covered Trump's appointment of white supremacist Steve Bannon as chief strategist, says he agrees wholeheartedly with the assertions in today's report that racism is "no biggie, everyone just chill."

Caplan explains that that's why he opted to run the headline, "Trump appoints valued member of society Steve Bannan as top aide."

The New York Times hit a little harder with its coverage, opting to describe Bannon as a "media mogul" and "pretty good human being except his hair kind of sucks."

When asked for comment, President-elect Trump said, "Look, ask any white person: it's just casual racism. It's just fun, jokey, meaningless stuff that white people are dead serious about and excited to finally express out loud."

Trump added, "I heard this morning about how white men in Ohio are verbally abusing Muslim women and tearing the hijabs off the women's bodies. I heard that my winning the election is the direct cause of that. And that's not great. But it was a long time ago. I don't think I need to be held accountable for things that happened twenty minutes ago."