EDMONTON, AB—With tobacco use at an all-time low, one restless father has utilized a far more 2016 approach to ditching his horrible wife and disgusting children forever.

While his absentee forefathers would go to the store for cigarettes and never return, deserters of today rarely smoke. With raw-food diets and plenty of exercise now the norm, local husband and father Dave Patrick successfully updated the antiquated cigarette excuse around 11 pm on Monday night.

"Kale chips," whispers four-year-old Elle Patrick, holding back tears. "That's what Daddy said he was getting from the store. But he hasn't come back yet and it's been this many days," says Elle, holding up three fingers and a thumb.

While heartbroken about losing her father to the crisp allure of the open road, Elle points to the undeniable fact that her dad does maintain an impressive diet. "I'm mad at him for leaving, but he taught me that eating good is really important," she explains, handing us small toys.

Dave's sudden absence has affected the entire Patrick household.

"It was the perfect excuse," says Suzanne Patrick, Dave's wife of seven years. "He'd go out for kale chips multiple times a week. He loved the stuff. That's just the kind of guy he was. If he'd told me he was going out for cigarettes, I would have caught him before he unplugged the Tesla," she laughs wistfully. "Even though Dave is gone forever, he's extremely devoted to his health and well-being. I've gotta give him that."

Suzanne tells us her husband was extremely passionate about raising healthy children.

"He'd always tell the kids a healthy body is the key to a healthy mind. He has equipped them with everything they'll need for a successful future – except, you know, a father's love and support."

While Dave cruises through his newfound freedom, unabated by the incessant responsibility of his god-awful loved ones, his 16-year-old son sits at home thinking about his father.

"I mean, it sucks," says Brady Patrick. "He just left without saying anything. It makes you ask so many questions. Why did he go? Was this my fault? Am I getting enough Vitamin D? I just miss him."

Dave Patrick was also the coach of Brady's soccer team.

"And what do I tell my teammates?" asks Brady. "Those kids rely on that half-time veggie platter to provide the energy they need to finish the game. Now at half-time we'll have to eat Dwayne's dad's brownies again. Empty calories. Ugh."

Though he's still reeling with many emotions, Brady concedes he'll always love his father. "I'm pissed at him for leaving. I wish I could yell so many things at him," he says. "But health-wise, he's still a great role model for me as a young man. Also, I still have him on Facebook and his body looks unreal in some of his new photos with all those women. I hope I look as good when I'm 45!"

The identity of the absentee dad is not what it used to be. In the future, when abandoned children reflect on the faint memories of their fathers, instead of being filled with emptiness, loss and the stale smell of tobacco, they'll be filled with emptiness, loss and the very stale smell of kombucha.