SASKATOON, SK—Vancouverite David Keefe drags his Keen river shoes across the floor as he trudges from his desk to the printer, his groan emanating throughout the office.

"I used to go hiking nine times per weekend," he sighs, staring longingly through a window next to the fax machine. "My titanium trekking poles have been gathering dust ever since the move."

Keefe relocated from Vancouver to Saskatoon in 2014 after accepting a high-paying job in finance, and has been bemoaning his decision ever since.

"He's like this all the time," says Carol De Souza from Accounts Receivable. "I mean, everyone gets homesick but he's been living here for nearly two years now. Like, no one put a gun against his head and forced him to leave Vancouver."

Ben Haas, a flannel-clad B.C. native, got to know Keefe through a meet up group for ex-Vancouverites. The two men go for lunch once a week and Haas courageously bears the brunt of Keefe's endless gripes about prairie life.

"Don't get me started on the weather here," Keefe wails between bites of a tempeh bacon kale Caesar salad as Haas rolls his eyes. "It's way too hot in the summer and unbearably cold in the winter. Sure, it rains a lot in Vancouver but the temperature is always temperate. I used to get through the winter with just a fleece pullover. Did I mention how flat it is here?"

"David really just needs a friend from home right now," Haas explains while applying organic beard oil. "Everyone thinks I should cut him out of my life completely but I need to support him. I mean, it's hard leaving Vancouver, the greatest city in the history of civilization. It's a big adjustment."

Keefe's girlfriend, townie Ashley Dobson, reports that Keefe drifts to sleep every night muttering, "I miss Granville Street, I miss the Pacific, I miss Japadog…"

"Whining about Saskatoon is like warm milk for David," she explains. "But he's so drunk on warm milk he's failed to notice the affordable housing here. Or the vibrant arts scene. The local craft beer. We even have a decent Mountain Equipment Co-op! No mountains, though. So that's a bit awkward."

Keefe says he's trying his best to be optimistic about the situation.

"I guess I could get used to it eventually," he whinges. "They say prisoners acclimatize to prison life after a while." He shrugs his shoulders and sighs.

"I just think this city would be so much better if they'd move it to British Columbia."